Today I have a guest blogger who asked to anonymously post some book reviews. Their family is going through some difficulties, and this helps them process what they are reading. Perhaps it will help you.
These posts will deal with an issue that is quite controversial today. There has been a shift in thinking on some of these things. Some of you may not agree, that’s okay. We live in a world marred by something the Bible calls sin, which means things aren’t as they ought to be. One can believe that a lifestyle is wrong, without hating a person who practices that lifestyle. Nothing here is conveys hatred or fear- but seeks to grapple with life in a world filled with sin and misery. With that being said- one to our guest post.
A Parent’s Guide to Preventing Homosexuality by Joseph & Linda Nicolosi was the first book I read, even before I found out my son was struggling with SSA [same sex attraction]. A friend of mine suggested it to me and deep in my heart I knew something was awry with my teenage son.
Joseph puts in a few case studies, which are very interesting, (sometimes I found myself nodding and saying “yes, that’s us!”), and a journal from a mother who is trying to help her young son on the road to healing.
There is plenty of debate in the mental health profession and homosexual community over whether being ‘gay’ is hereditary, chosen or not, can be changed or not. I’m here to tell you I believe having SSA is from a multitude of factors, which I will list later and can be ‘fixed’ or healed. That is to say that if the underlying problems or symptoms are addressed and the person affected does not want these feelings brought upon him he or she can get help.
Being homosexual, according to Joseph, is an identity problem, a gender identity problem within the family, of not being secure in one’s own gender.
In identifying GID [Gender-identity Disorder] there are usually 5 markers to determine whether the child has it. One being preference for anything of the opposite gender that being clothes, toys, sports, playmates, etc.
I can not stress enough and neither can any of the books I read that the same gender parent play a huge role in making and healing of the GID child. For boys, they need a father who is affectionate, hands-on in his life, affirming and loving. In most cases of SSA or GID, the fathers were non-existent either physically or emotionally. And the mothers were overbearing, protective and using the boy as a husband replacement.
[In our case, my sons father was in his life and always loving, affectionate and there for him. I, on the other hand, was and still am very overbearing, controlling and disrespected his father constantly. Sadly, there are no male figures in his immediate family my son wants to emulate.]
Boys have to be taught masculinity [by the father] and girls need to be taught femininity [by their mother]. Children need to be shown that being the gender they are is good and right and that they are special and loved being their gender.
There are plenty of other influences that shape a SSA child; family structure, sexual abuse, sensitive natures, harassment by others, poor body image, etc. Most of which I can not go into. Chapter 8 goes into the politics of treatment and how the world views define disability, treatment, gay and homosexuality.
This quote by A. Dean Byrd, PHD at the beginning of Chapter 9 ‘The Healing Process‘ hit so hard with me. I burst into tears reading it.
“Dads, hugs your sons. If you don’t, someday another man will.”
This chapter goes on to challenge the parents to affirm masculinity in their sons, to touch and be affectionate with their same-sex children. Many case examples follow and so does one mothers’ journal, struggling to help her son and help her husband to help their son.
This book is more for parents for young children who are struggling with identity, but can be read by parents like me, who have an older child and who want to get help or to see what may have caused SSA or GID.
I highly recommend this book. I am a Christian mom of a teenage boy who has conveyed to me he is having feelings of being gay. I do not believe people are born gay. I do not believe our God has made people gay. I believe a number of influences contribute to acting out of those feelings and desires. A desire to be loved by the same sex gender, a desire to have what the person lacks, perceived and/or real abuses and harms done to a person when young, certain personality traits, family dynamics and a persons plain old sin nature.
I’m reviewing a few other books bout this topic. Please come back and check them out. Please also, no negative/derogatory comments. Cavman is kind enough to put these on his blog to allow me to be anonymous and work out in writing my feelings after reading these books.
Just a reminder, this is a parent coming to gripes with their son’s homosexuality. Many parents in that position have many questions. While you may have different opinions on these answers, I ask that you respect her attempts to understand it. If you are homosexual, and don’t want to change, please understand that there are many who do. The goal isn’t to get in your face. You chose to read this, we didn’t force you to.
Dear blogmaster,
Just to add another thought, I think you should also check out the book Prayers for Bobby. The book, which was recently a Lifetime movie starring Sigourney Weaver, tells the story of a young man who confessed his homosexuality (SSA) to his mother. His mother would not accept this information and attempted to send Bobby to “straight camp.” Sadly Bobby felt inner turmoil and pain, mostly from his mother’s abhorrence of his homosexuality that Bobby committed suicide. The mother came to terms with her child’s sexuality far to late and went on to help form PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays). Please consider this information because there are several opposing viewpoints that state that human sexuality cannot be changed. Attempting to do so will only affirm in your child’s mind that you don’t accept him for who he is. Please don’t add to the millions of gay and lesbian children in the world who commit suicide based on their feelings of worthlessness due to their sexuality.
Nor do you want to say, “Sorry, stuck that way.”
There are many reasons why someone will struggle with SSA. Sometimes those issues can be resolved with reparative therapy. Sometimes they will not. In such cases, a person may choose to live a celibate lifestyle, just as a single straight person would.
The woman’s refusal to accept her son’s homosexuality- in the movie- was a problem in that it meant she rejected her child. No one is advocating such a thing.
This is why communication is so important. Not only on this issue, but when a child exhibits any pattern of (self-)destructive behavior. “I love you, but your (addiction, criminal activity etc) is a problem. How can we work thru this together?”
If there is a problem with one’s sexuality, they will struggle with how they feel about themselves. Let’s not try to alleviate that by normalizing problems.
Nicolosi’s work on the etiology of SSA is very interesting and as a clinician I can say there is obvious credibility to some of it. The danger I see in his work is this: that either he or others may overplay that model. There are many who struggle with SSA who do not appear to have cold/distant fathers and overinvolved/enmeshed mothers. I think I struggle more with those who are overly taken with his work thant his work itself. SSA is very complex and there are multiple factors. You might also like to read some of the work coming out of Regent U. by Mark Yarhouse and his colleagues.
Thanks for posting this book review.
Whatever the outcome, I don’t think it is useful to cast fault with one another, or yourself. I fear your marriage will weaken under the pressure of blame and/or guilt. I’m sure your boy loves and respects you both.
Please know I am praying for you and your family.
I must agree with the first commenter.
To those who argue that a parent’s rejection of their child’s sexual identity does not equate to rejection of the child, I ask you this:
How would you feel if your mother or father behaved the same way about your opposite-gender marriage partner? “Honey, I love you and support you, but your marriage with your wife is sinful. It’s not your fault; it’s my fault for being overbearing and controlling in your childhood. I know you think you love your wife, that you are soul mates, that you want to have children together. But frankly, your feelings are just misguided. Here, let me show you some Bible passages from 2,000 years ago that demonstrate why your marriage is against the will of God. Don’t you understand now? But don’t worry, you can change! With a lot of hard work and prayer (and a quickie divorce), you can leave your unhealthy, morally ambiguous wife and find another woman that God — and your father and I — approve of!”
Feeling very supported and loved? Of course not. The whole “love the sinner, hate the sin” routine is a farce.
For some reason, when an overbearing mother disapproves of her straight child’s partner, she’s… well, an overbearing mother. But when the child is LGBT, suddenly they have all sorts of disorders and need to be “healed.” Where on earth is the logic in that? Furthermore, if you accept the thesis that homosexuality is caused (at least in part) by dysfunctional families, why aren’t there a whole lot more gay people in this country? With the divorce rate hovering around 50%, you’d expect straight kids to be in the minority!
Instead of blaming themselves, parents of LGBT children need to educate themselves. LGBT children are at high risk of bullying and discrimination at school and in the workplace; home should be a refuge, not one more place they get attacked for simply being who they are.
And finally, regarding the argument that some LGBT children/young adults “want to change” — my goodness, if you were subject to the hatred and lack of compassion they are everywhere you went, even at church, wouldn’t you want to change, too?
Becky,
I don’t think your analogy works. Sorry. If I disapprove of my child’s spouse, I don’t like that person.
A better analogy would be not approving of a particular behavior/attitude of my child. That happens all the time. I love my children, but don’t like their lies, whining etc.
This is a more complex issue, since sexual identity is a large component of how we see ourselves, and how others see us. But there are plenty of parents who successfully do this- love their children, and continue in relationship with their children, while not affirming their children’s sexual choices.
Many parents go to either of the extremes.
I also fail to see your point at the end. If the parent is blaming themself, how is it they are attacking their child? Home should be a place of honesty AND compassion.
I think what you don’t seem to appreciate, is that apart from a theistic point of view, with divine revelation, there really is no basis for evaluating any action beyond social convention. Therefore, your community can’t really judge the values of my community and vice versa. So … are you really saying that the church should leave the homosexuals alone, AND the homosexuals leave the church alone?
Of course our values include telling everyone that all of us are flawed and unacceptable to God in our present condition, and need the intervention of God’s mercy thru the work of Christ in obeying God for us AND dying for our disobedience.
I have soured on this view considerably mostly because it is so overpowering as to crowd out anything alternative. For example, there is simply no scientific evidence for the following statement:
In most cases of SSA or GID, the fathers were non-existent either physically or emotionally. And the mothers were overbearing, protective and using the boy as a husband replacement.
It simply does not exist.
(Now strangely enough, if you had read an article in The Atlantic called “A Boy’s Life” you would also find that at least a few clinicians officially hold that GID is simply an “extreme” form of SSA.)
For further information you can read Dr. Warren Throckmorton’s article here:
http://www.drthrockmorton.com/article.asp?id=209
“Does Homosexuality Stem From a Failure to Bond with the Same-Sex Parent?”
Sometimes I wonder if people really know what they’re saying when they say that sin has caused the world to be different to the way it was created.
That means that physically we are not what God created to be. However, I think when you always see yourself as the epitome/definition of “existence” (by way of television, movies and art etc.) it’s hard to remember that sin has biological consequences as well.
In other words, people who see themselves (or people who resemble themselves) on television and in magazines have a hard time understanding that even though they are “normal” it doesn’t mean that they are essentially what God created in Eden 6000 years ago. Mn has quite deteriorated.
So homosexuality may well have biological causes–even genetic.
If anyone thinks that affects the “rightness” or “wrongness” of homosexual relationships in any way then they have almost certainly never read a Bible in their lives!
Even Albert Mohler can’t take that “reasoning” anymore:
http://www.albertmohler.com/blog_read.php?id=891
“Christians must be very careful not to claim that science can never prove a biological basis for sexual orientation.”
(And you can be sure he got beaten up for that!)
Just my 2 cents…
There is no one cause, just as there is no one cause for alcoholism, sexual addiction or any other of a host of issues.
Yes, due to the Fall there may be a genetic component in some cases- as there is in alcoholism. And this does not make it ‘okay’ as you say.
SSA is not part of a “hard” science so the search for evidence is a bit different. The various books will cite studies which provide some basis for claims. But that does not mean it happens in every case.
I mean no disrespect to you personally, it is your behaviour that I have absolutely no respect for. It’s because of your behaviours and beliefs that I wouldn’t trust you to be alone with my children, the things you say on your blog is poison and I could not let you be around children to feed them that poison. It’s not you personally, it’s just your hateful and ugly beliefs that I don’t like.
There is a whole host of reasons that you say the things you do, such as the accident that you were born into the community that you were born into, a natural mistrust of something you don’t understand and your obviouse naivety goes hand in hand with religious hate. So there is no one cause for your anti lgbt views, just as there is no one cause for pedophelia, racism, sadistic torture and genocide. There may be a genetic reason for your hate, but that does not make your beliefs “okay”.
I love my fellow man, it’s just that sometimes my fellow man does things which make me not like the person. Things like hate, ignorance, greed, murder. It’s not that I hate you, cavman, I just hate the things that you do.
I hate the damage you cause to your children. I don’t know how you can live with yourself honestly. Perhaps if you justify an action with religion it also negates the normal guilt and unease any humane person would feel. If you remove emotions and your humanity, and replace it with something like a rectangle of paper (bible), perhaps then you can do anything.
I do not know to be honest. It upsets me to try and get into your head, to try and figure out how you can justify the things you say. Police profilers who have to get into the heads of child rapists and murderers must feel upset in a similar way.
Can’t you people see that you aren’t protecting your children, you are actually messing them up to the point of suicide and severe psychological damage that comes from denying your true self? We gave you the freedom to believe in your theist beliefs, can’t you at least prove to us that we didn’t make a mistake by not torturing your own children?
If only you truly knew the ignorance and damage of the things you say. The day you realize what you have done you will fall to your knees weeping and dedicate the rest of your life to making up for the damage you have done up until that day. Even Hitler thought he was doing the right thing, so how do you know your level of humanity and grasp on the real world is any better than his? I’m being serious, how do you know that you are doing the right thing? If your natural born son told you that he has developed a natural attraction to his male peers, how then do you decide what do do? The religion that you chose should tell you what to do?
You would put your hateful belief in a theist social club ahead of the true happiness of your son?! You would make your son choose between what he knows is right and your own hateful beliefs? You probably would. And your religious hate cannot compete with his natural happiness, so you would lose your son. And for what? For the self serving greedy promise of eternal life in bliss. That’s what religion is, isn’t it? Selling out your own family because someone promised you eternal life.
Now I am upset. I volunteer my time and medical training to help these kids, your kids. I help undo the damage people like you have done. I cry sometimes. I hear the mental abuse that these kids have suffered for decades because of parents and communities like you, I keep a brave face until I step back into my office alone and I cry at the injustice of it all. You people sit smugly with your dreams of eternal life and sense of rightdoing, while I actually deal with the damage you cause.
I’m feeling literally I’ll now, thinking of it all. You are lucky that there is no life after death, because if there was you would not be rewarded in it for the things you are doing to your fellow man.
JK,
You write as if you know me, but you really don’t. It is good that you recognize the reality of guilt, right & wrong, I’m not so excited you lump me in with such social deviates.
A few questions:
Where does this sense of guilt come from? Where do these standards of morality come from?
Do they come from you yourself? If so, how is it you hold me in such contempt?
Do they come from your tribe/community? If so, how is it you hold such contempt for me and my tribe who hold merely different views?
Apart from the idea of revelation, or morality from above, you really have no basis to attack my views apart from personal preference. Yet, your heart & mind contain the echos of this reality.
As a pastor, I too deal with the devastation caused by hate, sexual deviance and more. I live in the real world, experiencing sin and misery like everyone else.
Unlike you, I merely said an action was wrong (which you also feel free to do). You made personal attacks. Are your beliefs making you a kinder person toward those with whom you disagree? That is something to consider.
The negative feelings towards religion are caused by the damage that religion does. You see the quality of life is significantly lowered in these gay and same sex attracted children of parents who follow these religions. They have to hold these naturally occuring feelings inside, they have to live a lie which causes intense internalization. Psychiatric issues are not a surprising result and the suicide of a gay child in a religious community not uncommon enough to be truly shocking, which is truly shocking in itself.
No person or community likes to be told how to raise there kids, but it would be delusional for you to assume that your beliefs are the most ideal. You must know that what you are preaching, if practiced, will cause immense turmoil for gay children, which means you have already decided that the pain you cause is justified. Which is a pretty rotten situation. You know that a gay child will be happier living their natural life, you may think their natural tendancies are unnatural or sinful, but that still doesn’t escape the fact that gay children will be happier and less at risk of suicide if they were accepted and for who they are instead.
This is where the problem starts. You already feel that you can do this to gay people (preaching their abuse and encouraging their mistreatment) and that these actions are undisputably justified becaus of your bible of choice. So is there a limit to what you would do in the name of that bible? Would you deny women equal rights if the bible said so? Would you deny someone their constitutional rights because you feel God’s law overrides mans law? Would you agree that the ends justifies the means in carrying out Gods law? Would that means ever mean the mental torture or genocide of your fellow man if your god explicitly requested it of you?
What would your opinion of gays be if you weren’t religious? What was your opinion of the Internet before you first used it? Did your strong opnions regarding the internet change with exposure? Would your feelings about homosexuality change with exposure?
Some of your questions now. Where do I get my morals? I don’t need a bible to tell me that seeing others feels wrong, that eating a large meal while my fellow man starves feels dirty or that making someone cry is horrible and should be avoided. I know that these are wrong because I can feel that they are wrong. It’s simple human nature. Even most criminals know the difference between right and wrong, they just ignore those feelings. The one thing I do know for sure is that humans are very capable of manipulation and the desire to bend other people to their control is strong, and if there was ever an ideal avenue to exercise this desire then no better avenue exists than religion. If the bible told me to deny someone their homo feelings, then I would question the morals of the bible, or even the usefulness of the bible. If your child was gay, and you knew they always would be, why would you want to pressure them into being straight? Do you get pleasure from the idea of them torturing themselves, or by getting married and putting a young Christian hetero spouse through the agony of a loveless marriage? I am really truly sorry that you are in this position, to do the things you do and spread the damaging advice that you post here, it has to be getting to you on some level. It’s not fair that life brought you here, you didn’t ask to be homophobic, it’s just a cultural accident. If you were born in many other cultures, eras, or even species then you would probably also find the mistreatment of gays to be abhorent, and homosexuality would be normal to you (or you could be attracted to your fellow man yourself).
Homosexuality does, afterall, predate the formation and even invention of ALL Christian religions. And anyway, a lot of evils have historically been carried out in the name of god, how do you know that you aren’t carrying out one of those evils now?
You seem to confuse acceptance of a person and acceptance of all their actions/desires. I love and accept my kids, but there are plenty of actions & desires of theirs I don’t accept. They are wrong (as are some of my actions & desires). All kinds of behavior has existed prior to the beginning of Christianity (whenever you date that). Doesn’t make any of them.
The various evils historically carried out, aside from the conquest of the Promised Land, can clearly be seen to be evil. Any fool can claim God told him to do something.
The Bible tells us too deny all kinds of sinful desires, not just homosexual desires. There is something intrinsically wrong, just as with incest, pedophilia, murder, greed, gluttony etc.
Um, JK, Im the one who wrote this post and directing all your hatred toward Cavman is ignorant and just plain silly.
I read the book and have a gay son.
I am in the midst of figuring out how to handle all this in our lives right now.
i did try to ‘change’ him, he even wanted it.
but now im at the point of just riding out the wave until he is out of the house and on his own.
He is a willful teenager, like all the rest of them, he will do what he wants, when he wants.
He will leave this house and pursue whatever relationship he desires.
Christians dont believe in a book or a religion, we beleive in an almighty God who saves us from ourselves, our sins.
i still havent decided if homosexuality is a sin, i do know that anything taken out of biblical context is a sin.
I am not homophobic, i do not hate gays, drunks, drug addicts or people of color.
Nor does Cavman, I came to him because I knew he was a pastor and counselor and could help me sort some things out.
I realize you are probably not a christian and so do not follow Gods laws, but i feel Cavman deserves an apology for the things you spewed at him.
your hatred exceeds his and mine.
Please direct your anger toward me, and read my blog before you comment.
~Broken Hearted mom
fozziebare, there is opposing views, but i was just reviewing a book i read and Cavman let me post it on here.
I have since read more books and am reviewing them on my own blog.
Never fear, i am not the mother of Prayers for Bobby. Even my son said so.
we are a christian family working out the details of a life torn about by sin, fear, difference and love.
phil, you are right, in the world of SSA the complex issues that surround it are inexhaustable. i feel our family fits the triadic narrissitic [spelling?] pattern.
Please read my blog and comment where you think necessary. You were another one I was going to turn to for help……
Becky:
***Instead of blaming themselves, parents of LGBT children need to educate themselves. LGBT children are at high risk of bullying and discrimination at school and in the workplace; home should be a refuge, not one more place they get attacked for simply being who they are.
~~ you are right, i have been educating myself on gay issues, the bullying, the inner struggle all teens face, esp. gay ones.
***And finally, regarding the argument that some LGBT children/young adults “want to change” — my goodness, if you were subject to the hatred and lack of compassion they are everywhere you went, even at church, wouldn’t you want to change, too?
~~Becky, i have read this and i have also read and seen kids that go thru such an inner turmoil over how’ God made them’ its not just the outside world that makes it hard for a person to be gay.
even kids that are not christian. They are not happy, they are not satisfied. They are never with the right person, etc
[the same can be said for hetero]
but this does not lie with liking the same sex, this lies within the person.
some people are never happy, never grow up, never get past hurts they have encountered.
I have just now been able to respond to these comments, and i probably have not done a good job.
i want to thank Cavman for putting these up on his blog, it has been a great way to put into words my thoughts on the books i have read.
Sorry, you have been object of such hate from the very people who say you [we] hate them…..
hate can be such a two way street, the ripple effect is astounding.
Blessings, BH Mom