9 Mark Ministries compiled some ways for pastors to better love their wives (we’re talking a plurality of pastors, not polygamy) and kids. Some of them are very good. Some make me wonder “how?” I’ll put my comments, silly and otherwise in brackets and in red. Since they are compiled, there are some that sound inconsistent, go with it … they are suggestions.
IN RELATION TO YOUR FAMILY…
- Take the initiative and establish a plan for family worship. Then follow the plan! (Don Whitney encourages “brevity, regularity, and flexibility” in family worship.)
- Come home at the exact time you say you will be home; and prepare your heart to serve your family, not be served. [this is very difficult to do regularly, at least for me. there is that sinful sense of entitlement that plagues me when I return home, I want to rest not parent/husband. i need grace.]
- Take responsibility for your children’s education and discipline—don’t leave it to your wife to figure out.
- Share with your wife and kids some of the good things that are going on in the church, and then thank them for helping to make that possible.
- Use every hour of your vacation time. And take a vacation that does not involve extended family; restrict it to just your wife and kids. [All of our vacations have involved extended family. We can’t afford to go anywhere else- I’m a pastor!]
- Take a two week vacation. [this is wise, i’ve heard it takes about 10 days for you to actually begin to relax. our 3 week summer vacations, though with extended family, were very relaxing. if you go to vacationing spots, it is hard to relax since you are going to theme parks and events.]
- Diligently guard your days off. [lay leaders love this, not! it can quickly breed a sense of envy on their part, or assuming you think you’re better than them or special. you have to work had to communicate this priority well. but if you’re guarding your days off, they should be able to guard theirs from church business, so maybe they really feel convicted of their lack of attentiveness to their families. who knows, but it can get messy, folks.]
- There are times when it seems like you have to choose whether to be a good dad/husband or a good pastor. Good pastors choose to be good dad/husbands. [What makes this difficult is the success-driven culture of many of our churches. They want you to be a successful dad, not necessarily a loving & involved dad. Loving involvement will mean less time to building the empire. I know building my relationship with my daughter ‘cost’ the church some of my time/energy that might have resulted in a different outcome for the congregation- and my family.]IN RELATION TO YOUR WIFE…
- Get up early and have your quiet time, so that you can take the kids in the morning while your wife has her quiet time. [she’s up way before the rest of us, so this is a moot point for me.]
- Give her flowers and a hand written card when she least expects it.
- Regularly schedule a date night and take the initiative on logistics, i.e. organize the baby-sitter, make reservations, and have a plan. [there’s my flaw, i expect her to get the baby-sitter since she’s more concerned about who than i tend to be. of course, as a small church pastor there really isn’t $$ for a place that requires reservations. maybe one of the churches these guys serve needs to call me!]
- Make sure you know her favorite restaurant, meal, flowers, ice cream flavor, and movie.
- Schedule a weekly time where you watch the kids and your wife gets out to do whatever she wants—not errands. When you can, give her a whole day off from the kids. [ doesn’t this compete with date night. i’m seriously running out of time to actually pastor a church.]
- Decide together with your wife how many evenings you will be gone and honor what has been agreed upon. [this has been important for us. while interviewing, not everyone has been open to this idea.]
- On Sundays, leave for church a few minutes early to stop and get your wife her favorite coffee drink. [that would be on the other side of town …]
- Ask your wife over a romantic dinner areas she wants to see you improve. [that would take a week away, there are so many.]
- Take your wife to an encouraging conference. [or send her to one.]
- Plan regular out-of-town personal retreats for just you and her. Plan time on your retreat to write down all the evidences of grace you see in one another’s lives and then share them with one another. Later, spend time writing down your hopes for ways you want to grow as husband and father over the coming year (she doing the same for herself) and then share them with one another.
- Respect and seek her opinion on things concerning the church. [see the one about not bringing stuff home.]
- Go for long walks. [do you know how hot it is in Florida????]IN RELATION TO YOUR CHILDREN…
- Have deliberate one-on-one time weekly with each of your children, probably to include playing, reading scripture, or praying.
- Date your daughters.
- Leave the church at church so dad can be dad at home.
- Take a child with you on visits or short term trips. [not quite conducive to deep, pastoral conversations so do this wisely.]
- Ask your children questions that allow you to shepherd their hearts, such as these (these questions were posted by Justin Taylor, and were originally devised by Pastor Rick Gamache of Sovereign Grace Fellowship)
- In your own words, what is the gospel?
- Is there a specific sin you’re aware of that you need my help defeating?
- Are you more aware of my encouragement or my criticism?
- What’s daddy most passionate about?
- Do I act the same at church as I do when I’m at home?
- Are you aware of my love for you?
- Is there any way I’ve sinned against you that I’ve not repented of?
- Do you have any observations for me?
- How am I doing as a dad?
- How have Sunday’s sermons impacted you?
- Does my relationship with mom make you excited to be married?
- (On top of these things, with my older kids, I’m always inquiring about their relationship with their friends and making sure God and his gospel are the center of those relationship. And I look for every opportunity to praise their mother and increase their appreciation and love for her.)
- Take an interest in what your children enjoy doing.
- Read to them. Buy books they will enjoy. Take them to the library.
- Sing with them. [I would be brought up on charges of child abuse if i sang with them. i strum my guitar for them sometimes.]
- Pray for them and with them.
Be careful not to put them in the spotlight at church (stop using them for every other sermon illustration!).
Cavman Considers 
Nice comments Cavman. While some are not realistic, we get the point that there is much more we can do to protect our marriages and families.
It would be interesting to bring this post (minus your comments) on job interviews to see if they are supportive. I would think churches would be supportive in principle but then balk in reality. You are saying they aren’t supportive even in principle? Ouch.
Are you avoiding the Red Sox. What gives and can we get back on track?
PHil
I got some funny looks on that particular one. It’s as if you aren’t working hard unless you don’t see your family.
Some appreciate the concept, particularly those who like the simple church concept.
The laptop was in the shop so blog time was limited. Not quite avoiding the Sox. What gives? No Papi, Ellsbury’s wrist among other things. They’ll get back on track. I don’t think the bullpen will implode very often.
Oh, and the Rays are for real. One of the constants of the universe has just been changed, and my life is now crumbling 🙂
This list reminds me of Jonathan Edwards’ list
enough said?
“One of the constants of the universe has changed”
Rays lost at least 90 games for ten straight years!
Always losers, always out of it by June 1
Was so tired of hearing “our farm system is so great, next year will be much improved”
Last year more of the same:
finished last, lost at least 90 games again, and yes, heard how good the farm system was….
Suddenly this year they are 500 for the first time in July!
Not only that, they are 20 games over 500!
Quite an amazing year thus far, no question!
Is it possible that the Sox will be battling the Rays and not the Yankees?
Perhaps Yanks will make a run, making this a three team race?
I’m hoping “NOT”!
I am really uncomfortable with the reality that many churches (that is, elders and lay leaders) would struggle with not only accepting a pastor who held to these guidelines, but wouldn’t actually strongly ENCOURAGE their pastors to embrace these things. How long will it take people to realize that if men aren’t loving their wives like Christ loved the Church, and truly fathering their children, they can’t possibly lead others in the Church or do any real spiritual good in the pulpit. I don’t want a pastor who can just preach a good sermon – I want one who knows how desperately he needs the grace of God each day to do what he’s called to do. I want one who’s sluggin’ it out in the trenches so that when he preaches, it’s not holier than thou, but “this is what God’s doing in my life”.
But ML, we tend to worship success here in the States.
When you look at cultures those that prize jobs > relationship are more prosperous. Those that prize relationship > jobs are less prosperous. There is an inevitable trade off.
Here we have clearly chosen jobs/careers, and this idolatry has infected the church. We do need more instruction on these matters to regain a biblical balance between work & family, and their interconnectedness (Gen. 1-2 for instance).