Considering Modesty

I’ve written on modesty recently. It is not a popular topic. It is an under-addressed topic, including among Christians. The issue was driven home to me the other day while checking the Fox News website. Under their style section, there was an article on how to best present your “girls”. I did not click the link since I didn’t need to see “well presented” breasts. My calling is to be satisfied with the breasts of the wife of my semi-youth. Most men want to see them, but this is meant to be part of the exclusivity of marriage- I am to enjoy my wife’s, and not those of another. This is not so easy with many women wanting to display theirs for all the world to see.

In his book Undefiled, Harry Schaumburg has a number of appendices. One of them is on modesty. In light of 1 Timothy 2, he says that one of the male issues tends to be “anger or quarreling.” This is painful to hear, but you see it all the time. Too many times I hear such quarreling come from my own lips, including with my wife. I can be a contrarian at times. I am not immune.

The female issue Paul addresses in that same text is modesty. “Women should adorn themselves in respectable apparel, with modesty and self-control, not with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly attire, but with what is proper for women who profess godliness- with good works.”

Paul hits displays of wealth. It is immodest to display one’s material wealth. It can quickly establish sinful barriers in the body of Christ. Men can be guilty of this, no doubt.  But women are especially vulnerable to this. One of the things that drew me to CavWife was the absence of flash. Of course, she was not wealthy. But aside from a few earrings, she did not wear jewelry or much make-up. Her concern was with inner beauty.

It is also immodest to display one’s physical assets with plunging necklines, short shorts, miniskirts and the like. It is a heart issue. Such people (men can also do this, and as pathetically comical as it sounds I did). In our hearts we want to be desirable, found to be attractive. And so, out of this messed up heart comes the flaunting of the physical and material so that people will notice us and find us attractive or important.

Schaumburg quotes Carolyn Mahaney regarding this:

“If we earnestly apply his word in our hearts, it will be displayed by what we wear. When it comes to selecting clothes to buy and wear, however, we can often feel lost and confused. Which items are seductive and immodest and which display a heart of modesty and self-control?”

I understand that sometimes this comes from a place of sexual brokenness, a lack of appropriate boundaries due to abuse. I remember one group I led with a female friend. One of the women in the group often wore revealing clothing. I was not sure how to address that, and should have talked with my co-leader. But one day it became clear.  She announced that the janitor at work has placed his hand on her breast. She asked us, “is that okay?”.  She thought she was community property, and by her dress he sinfully thought so too.

Men’s sexual lust and women’s immodesty look different but come from the same source- a sinful heart.

“If men are inclined to look with lustful intent, women are inclined to want a man to look. A change of heart is required for both. Both are to reveal a changed heart where men see real beauty and women show real beauty.”

The answer is not legalism in either instance. The law has no power to change our hearts- that is the work of the Spirit. There are no hard and fast rules for how long a look can be. I wrote a tongue-in-cheek paper years ago called The Ethics of Peeking. I may reproduce it here someday. I mentioned a Seinfeld episode where George is caught looking at cleavage. Jerry reminds him that “Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun.” We know, or should know, when we’ve looked too long. I said that noticing something is one thing, but going back is another matter.

The same is true on the other side of the equation. We don’t need to get out tape measures, or create rules to hold people accountable. I’m sure Bob Jones University has some rules, but that is not really helpful.

What is helpful is asking ourselves why you want to wear something, and what that outfit says about you. Carolyn Mahaney offers some challenging questions:

• What statement does my clothes make about my heart?
• In choosing what clothes to wear today, whose attention do I desire and whose approval do I crave?  Am I seeking to please God or impress others?
• Is what I wear consistent with biblical values of modesty, self-control, and respectable apparel, or does my dress reveal an inordinate identification and fascination with sinful cultural values?
• Who am I trying to identify with through my dress?  Is my standard the Word of God or is it the latest fashion?
• Have I asked other godly individuals to evaluate my wardrobe?
• Does my clothing reveal an allegiance to the gospel, or is there a contradiction between my profession of faith and my practice of godliness?

This is not a commitment to go “Amish” or be frumpy. You can be well-dressed without being immodest. Look in the mirror and be honest with yourself. Think about how others will see you- meaning, if you are often seated and men stand over you recognize you will reveal more than if standing next to a man. If you ask someone else, don’t put a person of the opposite sex on the spot (unless it is your spouse). Your pastor, for instance, shouldn’t be asked to evaluate your apparel and state whether or not he can see too much of you (pastor’s wives the world over are probably cheering that I wrote that).

The goal is to love one another well by guarding one another’s purity. It is a matter of the heart, and our choices can often reveal that heart.