Considering the Meaning of Marriage

The world is filled with books on marriage. Many of them are not worth reading. But there have been a bunch of excellent books on marriage that have been released in the last few years. Add The Meaning of Marriage: Facing the Complexities of Commitment with the Wisdom of God by Tim Keller (with his wife Kathy).

Tim is one of the best people for writing a book on marriage, from a biblical perspective, that non-Christians may actually read. He touches upon some of the more contemporary controversies here, clearly but without condemnation. I know some guys in our denomination love to hate on Keller as some great compromiser. I don’t see him that way. I just see him in a light similar to John Newton: clear as to what he believes but not using that to stick his finger in people’s eyes. He’d much rather win them to his position- that whole winsome thing. Not everyone is supposed to be Elijah, engaging in clear confrontations to expose the folly of false gods (though Keller did write a book on that).

Keller spends more time on cohabitation, bringing up studies which reveal how destructive it actually is to marriage.  He shows how the typical arguments used to justify the practice have no basis in facts. So he shows the foolishness of that particular sin in a variety of ways. Homosexual marriage is not tackled head on, but he consistently affirms the biblical view of man and woman. Contrary to what I’ve heard from some of the haters, there is a clear affirmation of complementarianism. But they distinguish the biblical doctrine from how some people practice it.  And that is good. We have to recognize that if will look different in different marriages and in different cultures.

The book is not perfect. There are, I think, some factual errors. Tim writes that Paul was never married. We don’t know that. He, as a Pharisee, was probably married at some point. But at the time of his work as an Apostle, he was single- probably widowed. But that is a small thing.

My only other complaint was the length of the chapters. They were quite long, about 25 pages each on average. I like to finish a chapter in a sitting, and due to my schedule that was a little more difficult with this book.

The book is derived from sermons on marriage the Tim preached in 1991. The bulk of the book is drawn from Ephesians 5, but the Kellers draw on a number of resources to understand and apply the biblical teaching on marriage. They cover issues of love (romantic love, mature love and the acceptance of one another’s faults), how to look for a spouse and what to look for in one, gender differences and roles in marriage, sex and more. They walk thru some of the landmines, the idols of both traditional and progressive culture.

I found the book to be both informative and encouraging. Like Paul Tripp’s book, it is realistic about the very real problems that arise in marriage. And like Tripp’s book, the answer to these and more rest solidly upon the gospel. That sounds simplistic, but it really isn’t. The book also embraces and encourages the role of the church as a community of faith in which singleness and marriage take place. Not an incidental role, but a foundational role.

I did some posts already about a few chapters (The Secret of Marriage and Loving the Other). The chapter on sex is nowhere near as controversial as some of the more recent marriage books. It isn’t something you’d be embarrassed to see your mom reading. The focus is not on how to have sex, or what sexual practices are acceptable. It focuses on the heart issues surrounding sex, not the mechanics.

The earlier chapter on Singleness and Marriage is one I wish I had been able to read 20 years ago. He navigates the history of how people find spouses, and the motives for marriage. Both traditional culture and modern culture differ from biblical teaching on these matters. He slips into the discussion of courting without mentioning the primary spokespeople for the movement. He mentions the same positives and concerns that I had when reading Wilson’s book. The community of faith needs to be more involved in the process, helping people be realistic , providing advice and direction as well as correcting issues of sin and idolatry. When a young woman lives at home, the input and protection of her parents is vital. But most young women over 23 or so don’t live at or near home.

One of the strengths of the chapter concerns the “gift of singleness”. Every single I know wonders if they have it. We act like it is the gift to remain single, to be free from sexual desire or temptation. But the singleness is the gift- the opportunity to give oneself whole heartedly to ministry without the interference of family obligations. I was single when I entered the ministry. In many ways it is easier with a spouse, but in some ways it is more difficult. It limits my availability since I have to spend time being a husband and father. Keller’s understanding of the “gift of singleness” is far more practical and freeing. There is not the need to figure out if you have the gift or if you are free to marry. You do, and you are.

Single or married (or engaged), this would be a book worth reading. It will help you what you should be preparing for or find yourself in. If you wanted to know the one book I’d recommend to you, I’d need to know more. But it is one of the top 4 books I’d recommend (5 if you include mine when I finally publish it- which shouldn’t be long).