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Archive for the ‘Parenting’ Category


I was biting my nails, metaphorically, during the final minutes of last night’s Celtics-Magic game 4 as it came down to the wire.  CavWife tried to tell me something, but I reminded her- last minute of an important playoff game.  Considering that we didn’t watch most of the game, I thought I wasn’t asking too much.

I was surprised that Paul Pierce didn’t force the last shot, choosing instead to pass off to Big Baby Davis, who was the only Celtic to hit a FG in the last 6 minutes of game time.  He drained it, and in his exuberance raced down the sideline, bumping into a ref, and then into a young courtside fan who was close to the action.

I hope I am never this kind of parent:

Orlando Magic fan Ernest Provetti, whose son, 12-year-old Nicholas, was nearly run over by Glen Davis after his buzzer-beating, game-winning shot last night, is demanding an apology from the Celtics forward.

According to a report at Orlando Sentinel.com, Provetti sent an e-mail to the NBA League office this morning, saying that Davis crossed the line and embarrassed his son. Provetti said his son had to dive into his courtside seat to get out of the way, though that does not appear to be the case in the video.

In the e-mail, Provetti said Davis conducted himself like a “raging animal with no regard for fans’ personal safety.”

In a telephone interview with the Sentinel, Provetti said, “How do you like to be a 12-year-old and see a raging lunatic coming at you?”

He said noted that Davis should never have been so close to the fans in the front row.

Apparently this man has never seen an NBA.  It’s the NBA: Stuff Happens, including players diving for balls, and celebrating significant last-second victories.

But, this man’s son is embarrassed.  CavWife notes that is a common emotion for 12 year-olds.  This adult is trying to teach his son the wrong lesson.  The world will not bend to our embarrassment, it does not revolve around us.  Yet, this guy is trying to make it all about his son.  E-mails to the NBA office?  Demands????

Nor is an excited, happy, delighted man who accomplishes something he has yet to do qualify as a “raving lunatic.”  I suspect he has the wrong “raving lunatic”.  This parent is the one acting irrationally.  Davis was not angry, violent or dangerous.  No harm was intended to his son- even embarrassment.

When you sit courtside, the action may get a bit too close for comfort.  If you can’t handle that- don’t sit there and put your son “at risk”.  But a good parent will teach his son to enjoy the game, remember that the unexpected can happen, and that you’re on national TV so don’t sweat it.  Teach him to have fun rather than be self-conscious.  Teach him to calcuate risk and act accordingly.  In short- teach him about being a man.

Oh, and may the media should pursue such silly stories….

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Here is another guest post on the subject of homosexuality.  This time my friend reviews  Desires in Conflict, Hope for Men Who struggle with Sexual Identity by Joe Dallas.

The updated version of this book was written in 1991 but the message stands true still. As the subtitle states, the book gives hope for men who struggle with sexual identity. If you are not one of those men, then this book is not for you.

Joe Dallas [click for his counseling website] also wrote When Homosexuality Hits Home, What to Do when a Loved One says They’re Gay. This book offers up step-by-step advice on how to deal with the emotions family members deal with when they learn of a loved ones homosexuality.

But back to Desires in Conflict. Joe Dallas tells his story, guides men on what to expect when dealing with their particular issues.

Homosexuality is no different. Like all sinful tendencies, homosexual attractions need not rule you or continue to be a predominant force in your life. Specifically, you can expect change to occur in one or all of four ways.”

Here is the list:

1. Change in behavior

2. Change in the frequency of homosexual attractions

3. Change in intensity of homosexual attractions

4. Change in perspective

Nowhere do we see in that list that homosexual attraction disappears.

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Today I have a guest blogger who asked to anonymously post some book reviews.  Their family is going through some difficulties, and this helps them process what they are reading.  Perhaps it will help you.

These posts will deal with an issue that is quite controversial today.  There has been a shift in thinking on some of these things.  Some of you may not agree, that’s okay.  We live in a world marred by something the Bible calls sin, which means things aren’t as they ought to be.  One can believe that a lifestyle is wrong, without hating a person who practices that lifestyle.  Nothing here is conveys hatred or fear- but seeks to grapple with life in a world filled with sin and misery.  With that being said- one to our guest post.

A Parent’s Guide to Preventing Homosexuality by Joseph & Linda Nicolosi was the first book I read, even before I found out my son was struggling with SSA [same sex attraction]. A friend of mine suggested it to me and deep in my heart I knew something was awry with my teenage son.
Joseph puts in a few case studies, which are very interesting, (sometimes I found myself nodding and saying “yes, that’s us!”), and a journal from a mother who is trying to help her young son on the road to healing.
There is plenty of debate in the mental health profession and homosexual community over whether being ‘gay’ is hereditary, chosen or not, can be changed or not. I’m here to tell you I believe having SSA is from a multitude of factors, which I will list later and can be ‘fixed’ or healed. That is to say that if the underlying problems or symptoms are addressed and the person affected does not want these feelings brought upon him he or she can get help.
Being homosexual, according to Joseph, is an identity problem, a gender identity problem within the family, of not being secure in one’s own gender.
In identifying GID [Gender-identity Disorder] there are usually 5 markers to determine whether the child has it. One being preference for anything of the opposite gender that being clothes, toys, sports, playmates, etc.
I can not stress enough and neither can any of the books I read that the same gender parent play a huge role in making and healing of the GID child. For boys, they need a father who is affectionate, hands-on in his life, affirming and loving. In most cases of SSA or GID, the fathers were non-existent either physically or emotionally. And the mothers were overbearing, protective and using the boy as a husband replacement.
[In our case, my sons father was in his life and always loving, affectionate and there for him. I, on the other hand, was and still am very overbearing, controlling and disrespected his father constantly. Sadly, there are no male figures in his immediate family my son wants to emulate.]
Boys have to be taught masculinity [by the father] and girls need to be taught femininity [by their mother]. Children need to be shown that being the gender they are is good and right and that they are special and loved being their gender.
There are plenty of other influences that shape a SSA child; family structure, sexual abuse, sensitive natures, harassment by others, poor body image, etc. Most of which I can not go into. Chapter 8 goes into the politics of treatment and how the world views define disability, treatment, gay and homosexuality.
This quote by A. Dean Byrd, PHD at the beginning of Chapter 9 ‘The Healing Process‘ hit so hard with me. I burst into tears reading it.
“Dads, hugs your sons. If you don’t, someday another man will.”
This chapter goes on to challenge the parents to affirm masculinity in their sons, to touch and be affectionate with their same-sex children. Many case examples follow and so does one mothers’ journal, struggling to help her son and help her husband to help their son.
This book is more for parents for young children who are struggling with identity, but can be read by parents like me, who have an older child and who want to get help or to see what may have caused SSA or GID.
I highly recommend this book. I am a Christian mom of a teenage boy who has conveyed to me he is having feelings of being gay. I do not believe people are born gay. I do not believe our God has made people gay. I believe a number of influences contribute to acting out of those feelings and desires. A desire to be loved by the same sex gender, a desire to have what the person lacks, perceived and/or real abuses and harms done to a person when young, certain personality traits, family dynamics and a persons plain old sin nature.
I’m reviewing a few other books bout this topic. Please come back and check them out. Please also, no negative/derogatory comments. Cavman is kind enough to put these on his blog to allow me to be anonymous and work out in writing my feelings after reading these books.

Just a reminder, this is a parent coming to gripes with their son’s homosexuality.  Many parents in that position have many questions.  While you may have different opinions on these answers, I ask that you respect her attempts to understand it.  If you are homosexual, and don’t want to change, please understand that there are many who do.  The goal isn’t to get in your face.  You chose to read this, we didn’t force you to.

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Everything seemed to get off to a good start.  We went to bed at a reasonable hour, mostly packed and oatmeal soaking for a quick breakfast for the kids.  We’d be getting them up a little early, not way before the crack of dawn like on other trips, to get on the road to the airport by 7:30.  This would give up plenty of time to get to OIA in time for our 10:05 flight to Albany.  But you know what they say about the “best laid plans of mice and men.”

It broke down near the end of my shower.  CavWife went to get the kids up.  CavBoy had peed so much it soaked through his diaper, PJs (which we were hoping to have him wear on the flight) and into his sheets.  So CavWife was involved with stripping his bed and sent him into a still-dripping dad to strip him down and put him on the potty.

This was the morning that he decided he had to poop first thing.  And it took time as the minutes quickly went by.  Suddenly I heard CavGirl screaming from the kitchen.  To help avoid illness being passed around the plane, we gave the kids Airborne.  CavWife mistakenly put it in CavGirl’s water bottle.  So, it fizzed away building up pressure until CavGirl opened it.  It erupted, spraying  our very dramatic/traumatic daughter.  So much for not having to change her clothes…

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CavSon Update


Not the soft food diet!

Not the soft food diet!

Yes, some info on CavSon.  I only said “most”, not “all”, of the CavFamily updates would be on my Facebook page.  This one will be in both places.

We have noticed the fistula in CavSon’s hard palate (anterior) getting bigger.  More food has been stuck up there (easily removed though).  Last week the raman noodles I made with our stirfry were hanging out of his nose.  Yeah, that is very exciting to behold.

With our deductible paid, and the fact that we have no spare money lying around in the mattress, we realized that IF he needed another surgery, it would be best to have it done before the end of the year.  We pushed up his follow-up visit, and the surgeon quickly determined that another surgery was called for.  The tissue in his mouth has had time to heal since his surgery in April. 

With a trip to NY planned for mid-December, the surgery will take place before Thanksgiving.  If you can remember, that means a long night of not sleeping in the hospital.  So excited about that.  Nor am I looking forward to comforting him in the recovery room again.  It won’t be as bad this time since it is only a palate revision- instead of a palate reconstruction and lip revision like last time.  But still, it will be tough on the little guy.

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I was not raised in a family that understood the gospel and raised children with a God-ward orientation or focused on our hearts.  As I seek to raise the 2 little lives (with more to come?) He has placed in my care, I recognize I need help.  I found Shepherding a Child’s Heart to be helpful.  So when Ted & Margy Tripp released Instructing a Child’s Heart, I believed it would be helpful for me.

I was not wrong.  Unlike the previous book, which focused on corrective discipline, this book focused on formative instruction-

“Formative instruction gives children principles and absolutes by which to live- hooks to hang life on.”

They address 5 goals for formative instruction, and the call to formative instruction from Deuteronomy 6, communicating formative instruction, and topics including authority, sowing & reaping, a vision for God’s glory, the importance of the church and ultimately the centrality of the gospel.  The book is humbling, as I reckon with how often I fail as a parent (therefore the gospel is for me too!).

This is a very good book, but not a perfect book.  There are statements they make that I would disagree with, as in Shepherding a Child’s Heart.  One of those was in the chapter on authority.  There is much in that chapter that is good, true and right.  But not this:

There is a popular method of child management that powerfully illustrates my point.  “Honey, you can wear the red shirt, the green shirt, or the blue shirt.  It’s up to you.”

It does not occur to a three-year-old that there are more than three shirts in the closet.  He makes his choice.  Mother is indifferent to which shirt the child chooses.  All are equally appropriate.  On the surface it seems like a win, win.  The child feels like he is a decision-maker, mother gets him to wear something appropriate, and there is no fight.  What could be better than that?

While all that sounds very good and quite enlightened, in reality the subtext for the child is, “You are the decision-maker here.  You have the right to choose.  I may suggest the various alternatives, but it is your right to choose.”

As made in God’s image, our children need to learn to choose wisely.  There is no magical age at which this happens.  We are to teach them how to make decisions while under authority.  The parent here sets the proper boundaries, and provides some freedom.  My 3-year-old knows she has more than 3 shirts in her closet.  My child is not my slave, though she is my responsibility.  I must teach her about living under authority- but an authority that loves and nurtures her (and him), not one that will squelch.  Refusing to teach them to make decisions within boundaries, in my opinion, gives them an unhealthy view of authority.  Obviously the Tripps disagree with me.

You don’t have to agree with every jot and tittle to find a book helpful.  I still found it very helpful, and CavWife plans on reading it too.  Some of what was helpful was the discussions about how we tend to reinforce our children’s idols, as well as the culture’s and our own as parents.  Part of good, godly parenting is to turn from our own idols, helping them to see their own idols and to lay hold of Christ instead.  The gospel is not a parenting add-on, but at the very core of parenting.

Paul found joy in the gospel and never moved beyond the gospel because he knew the gospel was the power of God for salvation- including everything fron initial calling by grace, to justification, to ultimate glorification.  We never move beyond the centrality of the gospel.

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Ran across this in my reading this morning.  Great stuff!

“Ecstasy and delight are essential to the believer’s soul and they promote satisfaction.  We are not meant to live without spiritual exhilaration, and the Christian who goes a long time without the experience of heart warming will soon find himself to be tempted to have his emotions satisfied from earthly things and not, as he ought, from the Spirit of God.  The soul is so constituted that is craves fulfillment from things outside itself and will embrace earthly joys for satisfaction when it cannot reach spiritual one … The believer is in spiritual danger if he allows himself to go for any length of time without tasting the love of Christ and savoring the felt comforts of the Savior’s presence.  When Christ ceases to fill the heart with satisfaction, our souls will go in silent search of other lovers.”  Maurice Roberts, quoted in Instructing a Child’s Heart, from The Thought of God.

He says the same things as Thomas Chalmers in The Expulsive Power of a Greater Affection, but from a different angle.  Chalmers puts it in terms of sanctification- how we put our sinful desires to death.  Roberts puts it in terms of avoiding spiritual declension and danger.  One for growing in Christ, the other for maintaining spiritual vitality.  If we are not often pursuing our satisfaction, delight, in Christ, we will be in danger of seeking it in earthly things.

Think for a moment of how pervasive it is.  Many church-goers don’t really have a vital relationship with Christ.  It is more pragmatic than dynamic.  So they find themselves drinking from the cesspools of society- wrapped up in the pursuit of wealth, sensuality, power, entertainment etc.

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