Archive for the ‘Stupid Stuff’ Category

This story from the Odd News is certainly odd.  A Florida church is in trouble for a 3-week series about “great sex.”  No, the problem is not the denomination, or some stuffy members upset about such a scandalous thing.

The problem in this case is the “risk management” department of the local school board.  The controversy revolves around the 25,000 mailers sent to homes in the target area of the church.

Mark Langdorf, the director of risk management, says the mailers generated complaints, were not appropriate for elementary school children and shouldn’t be used to advertise the sermon in the school.

This implies a few things, which really aren’t true.

First, that the mailers were geared for, and sent to, children.  Elementary school children to be precise.  I seriously doubt they were sent to elementary school children.

Second, that elementary school children don’t hear about sex from … the school.  Yes, there could be some hypocrisy at work here.  It is okay for the kids to hear about sex, including certain deviations from normalcy portrayed as normal.  But not okay for a church to instruct adults about God’s good plan for sex within the confines and freedom of marriage.

Churches should be teaching people about sex- not just the when not to part.  A certain famous pastor has been attacking another certain famous pastor for doing just that using the Song of Solomon which last I checked was in the Bible, and about …. sex (among other things).  Most churches don’t have elementary age school children in the service for the sermon however.  So, I’m not sure how this would ‘damage’ the children who attend the school (which is the risk the risk management board should be assessing, though they might need to look at their own curriculum).  Nor should it damage the children who attend the church.

This is an off-hours, voluntary event that is not contiguous with normal school hours or any other school event.  So what is the problem here?  I just don’t understand how this could even be an issue.  But I guess it shows that the world is even more inconsistent when it comes to sex than the church is.

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I’ve got too much time on my hands.  That isn’t a very good thing sometimes.

Only $0.01 at Amazon!

Only $0.01 at Amazon!

I noticed a title on the bookshelf here at the in-laws (they sort of just collect interesting looking books, they probably haven’t read this).  It was The Millennium Meltdown: Year 2000 Computer Crisis by Grant Jeffrey.  Selling Y2K fear was big business in the late ’90’s.  I know I told my congregation to be prepared, just in case.  Just trying to be wise.  So no big deal that NOTHING happened.

But when you write a book about it, tying it into a secret agenda for world government (yes, that’s a chapter title) you are seriously committed to the idea.  And when it doesn’t happen, you lose some serious credibility- or at least you should.

  Grant Jeffrey is one of the many dispensational doom & gloom salesmen who see each world crisis as proof that the Great Tribulation is about to begin ( he has about 10 titles in this genre).  Despite the fact that he is batting .000 (and so are the rest of these guys) …

  1. How do they have the chutzpah to continue to write books as if they have any intellectual, biblical legs to stand upon?
  2. Why do people continue to buy those same books as if they had any intellectual, biblical legs to stand upon?

I have a number of conflicting emotions as I see both how self-deceived you must be to continue to write this books without ever asking, “Am I misunderstanding the Bible?” and questioning the system of thought that keeps bringing you to these conclusions that don’t match the facts of history.  I also have a number of conflicting emotions when I see how gullible and naive people can be to keep buying this stuff even though these men (and women) have been 100% consistently wrong (just for fun read the customer reviews on Amazon).

I fear for the American Church, it as if large chunks of the church want to be deceived.  Or perhaps I’m deceived and the Y2K mess really happened, there is a cashless society operated by the one world government and the war on terror, or oil, or sand, is triggering the advent of Antichrist and the rapture which they have predicted about 50 times by now.  Or that God actually does want me to be wealthier than I can imagine, perfectly healthy and trouncing the devil with every step and I’m not living my best life so far because I don’t have enough faith or think positively enough and I just really need to will my migraines and back pain away.

I need to head to the tiny beach nearby with my MP3 player of sermons so I’ll stop thinking of these things.

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Conan is owned by a Zen Buddhist priest in southern Japan.  He has taken to mimicking the priest.  He sits on his hind legs and puts his front paws on the altar.  Word has spread and people are flocking to see the dog.  It would be our version of the face of the Virgin in french toast, I guess.

Obviously my theology of prayer is quite a bit different than that of Zen Buddhism.  Cute, perhaps, but not praying.  Though I believe Jesus died, in part, to restore all of creation (the middle of Romans 8 ) I don’t think that extends to individual animals like it does to individual people.  CavDog won’t be in the New Jerusalem (Rev. 21-22).  And Conan isn’t praying.  God has placed people, His image bearers and representatives, to care for the animals like Conan.  So God meets Conan’s needs thru Joei Yoshikuni.

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… would you survive?

The number I could take in a fight,


I suppose I could be locked in a room with a kindergarten class and make it out alive, unless they were rabid beasts like the Dark Seekers.  Then I’m dead. 

You just never know….. but you might want to find out.

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Well, despite Larry Johnson and Roy Williams being hurt, and on my “No Cut” list, I was able to make the playoffs.  I also overcame a big injury-inspired slump by Plaxico Burgess.  But some late season pick-ups including Fragile Freddy Taylor and Earnest Graham have been a big help.

I nearly conceded round one of the playoffs due to the snow storm that was due to hit the Northeast.  As it turned out, Brady was blanked in fantasy points.  A big, fat zero.  Fortunately for me, my opponent was playing Tony Romo.  I was thinking I was in big, big trouble, but won handily thanks to some great performances by Clinton Portis, Earnest Graham, and the Patriots defense.  So now the Brewmasters are in the league finals against my nemesis.  This guy was mad at me, and others, because we kept rejecting a trade in which he would get Randy Moss for 3 players whose point totals at the time equalled his.  He was ripping the other guy off.

The last time we played head-to-head he had some extraordinary performances to pull out a win against me.  Over the course of the season my team has scored more points than his.  So this is the “brawl to settle it all”.  This is Pats-Colts round 3, so to speak (I think I beat them early in the season). 

Barring a disaster, I’ll be playing the terriffic Tom Brady at QB against Peyton Manning.  At WR I’ll be fielding Bobby Engram, Plaxico, and Reggie Williams against Reggie Wayne, Torry Holt and Joey Galloway.  At RB I’ll be playing Graham and Taylor against some lousy defenses, while he fields Jones-Drew and Aaron Stecker.  At TE it will be Pro-Bowler Cooley against 1st string Pro Bowler Witten (though Romo may still have thumb issues affecting his stats).  Gostkowski should be able to pile up some points against Green Bay’s Crosby.  The Patriots defense should shut down the Dolphins while his Chargers’ defense will have to stop Denver.

Reason to be optimistic unless Belichick decides to rest starters this week, which really isn’t his style.  Run it up, Bill!  Not a gimme… the Brewmasters could come up without a championship.  Either way, not bad for my first go at Fantasy Football. 

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Lately, I’ve seen this mini van driving around time with this on the back:  Time has an end- 2011.  I usually saw it in traffic, but today it was in the parking lot of Wal-Mart.  So I was able to get the web address.  Through Family Radio I was able to link to the Time Has An End site, which promotes Harold Campings new book on eschatology which asserts that time will end in 2011.

Not content with the fact that only the Father knows the established end, and thinking he can out-Whisenant Edgar Whisenant (he of the 88 Reasons the Rapture will be in 1988, followed by 89 Reasons the Rapture will be in 1989 both of which were obviously WRONG).  Actually, Camping has done this sort of thing before.  In 1992 he predicted the rapture would take place on September 27, 1994.  That qualifies him as…. a false prophet according to Scripture.  Can we stop doing this, please?!

Just for fun, the Rapture Index is currently at 159 (the record high is 182).

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As I watch celebrity “Christians” I’ve noticed a few patterns that may help you if you want to have a TV ministry too.

Rabbit Trail… during my interview with the session of the church I eventually began to pastor in 1998, the interim asked me if I have any desire to be on TV.  I laughed.

1. Call yourself a “life coach”.  This the popular new tag used by Paula White and Joel Osteen (see his 60 Minutes interview).  This relieves you from actually talking about the gospel and focusing on how you can help people make their lives “better”.  This is not to be confused with godly.  It is about being happy and successful.  Nothing wrong with those, but God has some bigger plans for His people.

2. Lift lots of weight.  In the 60 Minutes interview I discovered Joel can bench press 300 pounds, double his weight.  Pat Robertson claims to be able to leg press 2,000 pounds.  I’ve seen Paula on TV interviewing her personal trainer while she was in tight gym garb, so she pumps some iron too.  Never hurts to have big muscles to pad your resume and impress your viewers.

3. Don’t talk about anything negative.  Who cares if the Bible consistently addresses sin issues!  Apparently we are not self-deceived like Jeremiah says, and already know where we err.  Don’t bore people with talk about repentance- remind them how good they are and how successful they can be.  This way… when people criticize the fact you don’t speak honestly about who we are, they come off as being mean people, like Michael Horton.

4. Please, don’t ever mention that we need Jesus to make us holy and righteous.  If you really have to talk about Jesus, and Joel has shown you really don’t have to if you don’t want to, focus on how he died to make you healthy and prosperous.  Remember, that’s American religion.

5. Use lots of hair spray.  You have to, those lights make you sweat and your hair has to stay in place.

6. Don’t really answer any tough questions.  Deflect and talk about how judgmental the other person is.  Or, just demonize them and wish you had Benny Hinn’s holy spirit machine gun.

7. Hire most of your family to work for you.  Blood AND money creates a tight bond.

8. You must be willing to buy a multi-million dollar home and numerous expensive cars.  If you want to really hit it big- you gotta buy a jet.  Remember, this is what Jesus would do.  He wants you to live well, off room service.

9. Don’t, repeat, don’t go to a reputable seminary.

10. Produce lots of ‘feel-good’ tapes & books about what people must do to be successful.  No traditional theological categories- we’re talking self-help.

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