Considering Bill Parcells

Parcells: A Football Life is an apt title. His life was wrapped up in football such that in a sense if there is no football there isn’t much Bill Parcells. His life also intersected with many people, and the book gives some brief background on men like Curtis Martin, Drew Bledsoe and so many others.

This is a quite interesting read to be sure. It isn’t just about what happened, but gives much insight into the “whys”. You read about how he learned about scouting and rating players from Bucko Kilroy, the beginning of the 3-4 defense and other interesting aspects of football. You soon begin to think that most football executives should read this.

While the book is authored by Parcells and Nunyo DeMasio it is written in the third person. There are numerous quotes from interviews of the many people in Parcells’ life. This helps balance Parcells’ perspective in many ways.

In many ways the portrait that emerges is not surprising. He is a driven man. As he noted in his Hall of Fame induction he was also married to football. Just as you can’t serve two masters, you can’t serve to “wives.” His passion for football eventually cost him his marriage, and nearly cost him his daughters. But the man who didn’t parent his daughters essentially parented many young men. That is the odd, bitter irony of Bill Parcells’ life. Football gave him nearly everything he has, but it also took so much from him.

He also emerges as a man torn by indecision apart from football strategy. He could be quite indecisive, seemingly changing his mind at very inopportune moments. As a result there was also a trail of fractured relationships with GMs and owners that paralleled his long-term relationships. So strong and decisive in some areas and so unstable in others. In other words, a real human being.

As a life long Patriots’ fan, I was most interested in his time with the Patriots and his relationship with Bill Belichik. Little Bill, in many ways, is his most successful disciple. You understand Little Bill when you understand Big Bill. Much of what he learned about how to run an organization, deal with the press, draft players etc. were learned from Parcells.

Parcells did not simply emerge. His father was a great collegiate athlete. Bill loves sports growing up. For a time he lived down the street from Vince Lombardi, and played with his son. Bill worked hard, very hard and studied the greatest coaches. He developed friendships with many legendary coaches. He felt the obligation to pass what he learned on to the next generation of coaches. He did well since so far his coaching tree has won 6 Super Bowls. He soaked up all he could but he also freely helped those who sought his help and advice.

It was those relationships on the way that got him started. He first coaching job was under his college coach who took a new job. In this way Parcells by-passed coaching in high school. He ended up working at West Point after his high school basketball coach recommended him to his high school football coach who was the new head coach for Army. Football is the only world dominated by “who you know.” It is well illustrated in Parcells’ life but this is often how the world works.

DeMasio helps Parcells’ story be told in an interesting and informative fashion. In some ways it reminds me of The Perfect Storm because it will go off on those tangents (though not nearly as long). It is a captivating story about many captivating men centered on one captivating man.

[I received a complimentary copy of this book for the purposes of review.]

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Considering a Book Contract

The last few weeks have been really busy for me; both in ministry and at home. In the midst of that I received a contract offer from a publisher. I had submitted that book a few years back.

This publisher had approached me just over a year ago. They were interested in it, but wanted me to pay for the publicist. That just wasn’t going to work for me financially.

A few weeks ago they made me a new offer in which they would cover the cost of the publicist. In the meantime another company looked at it. They liked it, overall, but believed it needed some major editing in places. I had asked someone to read the book and make some suggestions to help me identify those places that I needed to re-write to fix the problems.

Making a decision was not easy. I thought my process might be helpful for other people as they seek to make decisions.

Essentially, I used a triperspectival method as John Frame explains it in a number of his books. The 3 perspectives are the normative (what does the Bible say), the existential (who am I in this decision) and the situational (what are my circumstances in this decision).

Normative. The Scriptures note that of the writing of books there is no end. I think my book provides a different approach to the subject at hand. It could be a helpful addition to the many very good books on the subject matter.

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Considering Family Shepherds

While considering what to study in our men’s group this Fall, one of the books I read was Family Shepherds by Voddie Baucham. It covers some of the same ground as The Masculine Mandate. But this book has a very different feel to it, handles things in a different order and has a more distinct agenda(s) than Rick Phillips’ book did. Since I pretty much read them simultaneously, I have a hard time not comparing them.

Family Shepherds reflects Voddie’s personality and ministry, just like Rick’s book reflects his. I’ve read another book or two from Voddie, and this is similar in tone and agenda. He has a prophetic bent (Rick’s, perhaps from his time as a tank commander, is more kingly). Voddie is not afraid to get into the reader’s business. Rick also stands firm on his views, but is less “in your face” about it.

Voddie’s ministry is marked by a few drumbeats. One of them is vitally important, particular in the context in which he ministers. The other is one I have some sympathies, but aren’t as passionate and dogmatic about as he is.

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Considering The Masculine Mandate

I’ve lost track of the avalanche of men’s books over the years. That’s because I wasn’t too impressed with what I was seeing. Neither was Rick Phillips. In particular, he was not happy with some of what John Eldredge says in his book Wild At Heart, and how he runs his wilderness retreats. So he ended up writing The Masculine Mandate: God’s Calling to Men.

But, while you might expect a reactionary book this really isn’t. He only mentions Eldredge in the first chapter. His point is that what John says concerning Adam and the Garden  is not really defensible. Eldredge argues that man finds his identity outside the garden, that men are not domesticated. If you mean “feminized”, then Phillips agrees with you. But he notes:

“The garden is the place where God relates covenantally to his creature man and where God brings the man into covenantal relationships and obligations. … God put the man in the garden. … If God intends men to be wild at heart, how strange that he placed man in the garden, where his life would be shaped not by self-centered identity quests but by covenantal bonds and blessings.”

Phillips’ thesis is that man’s calling is to live responsibly within those bonds and enjoying those blessings. The call of man is found in the creation mandate “to work and keep” which is lived out in work, marriage, parenting and church.

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Considering My 2010 Book Recommendations

Lots of people have their best of 2010 lists.  Why should I be any different?

But I will do it a bit differently.  Instead of books released in 2010, I will recommend some of the books I read in 2010.  Unlike some guys, I am not always on top of the new releases.  Additionally, sometimes this can mean we forget great books from the past.  I will include 2 books that I re-read this year as well.  Great books hold up over time, even if you suffer from ADD.  Lastly there will be a few books I read this year (or at least tried to) that I do not recommend.

Great Books I Read in 2010

1. Generous Justice: How God’s Grace Makes You Just by Tim Keller.  I just finished this book, so it is fresher in my mind.  In typical Keller fashion he challenges conservative Christians, “progressive” Christians and unbelievers to think more biblically.  The timing for this book was great as the conservative-liberal divide on the issues of social justice seem far more pronounced and polarizing.  He brings a wealth of information into the discussion, but is far from wishy-washy.  Keller has biblical boundaries for this discussion.  Some just want to talk.  I believe Keller does a great job of keeping the gospel central to this discussion.  Even better, it was released in 2010!
2. The Trellis and the Vine: The Ministry Mind-Shift that Changes Everything by Colin Marshall and Tony Payne.  This was a very good book that encourages pastors and elders to have a different understanding of ministry.  Too often our view of ministry limits our ministry in an unhealthy way.  I’m struggling with how to implement some of this in an existing church.  Not the fault of the book.  On second thought, perhaps that would have made a great additional chapter.
3. The Marrow of Modern Divinity by E.F. (most likely Edward Fisher) with notes by Thomas Boston.  Yes, this is a few centuries old.  But it is an important book that I’d been meaning to read for a few years.  I’d been providentially hindered from reading it.  It is written in the style of a dialogue between 4 different characters.  E.F. (and Boston in his notes) brings in the work of a number of even older theologians, and their own contemporaries.  It deals with the Christian’s relationship with the law both before and after conversion.
4. The Transforming Community: The Practice of the Gospel in Church Discipline by Mark Lauterbach.  This book is a few years old, but I think it is an important book for pastors and elders.  Church Discipline is a much neglected subject and Lauterbach does a great job of keeping the gospel central to how a church practices discipline.
5. War of Words: Getting to the Heart of Your Communication Struggles by Paul Tripp.  Tripp applies a sound biblical, gospel-centered theology to communication. It goes far beyond “how to”, to unearthing our sin and idolatry.  Unlike some of the other books, this is appropriate, and aimed at, all of us who confess Christ.  Some great biblical wisdom that often brought me to repentance.
6. Gospel-Powered Parenting: How the Gospel Shapes and and Transforms Parenting by William Farley.  There is no dearth of parenting books.  This is one of the best precisely because he focuses on how the gospel is applied in parenting.  If you’re a parent, it might be wise to pick this up.  If you know a parent, give it as a gift (like I did).  I think you might catch the common thread thus far: the gospel.
7. By Grace Alone: How the Grace of God Amazes Me by Sinclair Ferguson.  Continuing that thread is one of my favorite authors.  This is yet another great mind-transforming, heart-warming book.  It has both heat and light.  I cannot recommend it enough.  Buy this book!
8. Adopted for Life: The Priority of Adoption for Christian Families and Churches by Russel Moore.  Again, the gospel as revealed in adoption this time.  Moore writes, as the subtitle makes clear, not just for families but for the church family.  It is a great book, though at times a tad clumsy as it shifts back and forth between his family’s story of adoption and the biblical theology of adoption.
9. The Immigration Crisis: Immigrants, Aliens and the Bible by James Hoffmeier.  There have been any number of attempts to justify various immigration positions from the Scriptures.  Hoffmeier uses this expertise in the OT and archeology to dig into the appropriate texts rather than just read his position into them as is common practice.  It is not a very long book, but is a very helpful book that is worth reading by anyone who cares what the Bible may have to say about this important subject in our day.

Great Books I Re-read in 2010

1. Counterfeit Gods: The Empty Promises of Money, Sex and Power and the Only Hope that Matters by Tim Keller.  I didn’t read it all that long ago, but a great book holds up.  This is one of those books that holds up.  Another timely book by Keller.  As a great preacher, he is able to shape the books so they are bringing biblical truth to current issues.  But these are not “fad” books, but topics he’s been preaching about for years.
2. Instruments in the Redeemer’s Hands: People in Need of Change Helping People in Need of Change by Paul Tripp.  I read this again for community group after reading it during the “lost years” of transition.  It is a great book for understanding personal ministry to one another.  It helps me as a pastor, and it should be helpful for ordinary church goers.  He brings a good biblical theology to the task.  Some material is also found in War of Words, but I found that to reinforce the message since I was reading them at the same time.

Books I’m Not Excited to Have Read (or at least tried)

1. Dual Citizens: Worship and Life Between the Already and Not Yet by Jason Stellman.  I had high hopes for this book.  I struggled with how he applied his 2 kingdom theology.  It sounded too much like let the world go to hell in a handbasket except for those who embrace the gospel.  The church and Christians appear to have no real function in society aside from evangelism.
2. Pray Big: The Power of Pinpoint Prayers by Will Davis Jr.  I did not make it very far in this book.  It was basically an attempt to proof text his views instead of developing a solid, applicable theology of prayer.  This is why I usually don’t read broadly evangelical books.

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Considering Instruction and Affection

In the final chapters of his book, Gospel-Powered Parenting, William Farley focuses on instruction and love as important tools of parenting.  He already discussed the first part of parenting from Ephesians 6:4, and now concentrates on the second, instruction.

He begins with an analogy.  The father who does not provide for his children materially is to be considered “worse than an unbeliever” according to Paul in 1 Timothy 5:8.  Should we not think the same thing for a father who professes faith but how fails to provide for his children spiritually?  The consequences of such failure are even more devastating than failure to provide materially.

There are 4 beliefs or assumptions that keep many parents from fulfilling their spiritual duties to their kids.  The chapter focuses on helping parents overcome those false beliefs.

First, parents think they can delegate their responsibilities to others.  Instead of seeing youth group & SS as supplementing their endeavors, they expect them to take care of the job for them.  Youth group is not evil, but while there is instruction, or should be, there is not the discipline necessary to raising a child in the fear and admonition of the Lord.  Families are to join discipline and instruction (as Eph. 6:4 notes).

“Most fathers do not understand the power that God has given them over their children’s hearts.”

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Considering Some of the Tools of Parenting

I am slowly making my way through Gospel-Powered Parenting by William Farley.  I’m going slower than desired.  I have lost track of how many books I’m currently reading.  As he describes one of his sons, I have hope for my son.  He’s one stubborn little guy.  Days like today make me wonder if I’ll survive the parenting process.  It is not must about their character changing, but also mind.  Not only does the Boy need the gospel, the Dad needs the gospel.

The first tool of parenting he addresses is marriage.  “Huh?” you might say.  Yes, marriage.  The gospel we live must be the same as the one we preach.  If our lives make the gospel unattractive, our children will be repelled by what they think is the truth.

“Frank and Kim’s marriage preached an unattractive gospel to their children.  It contradicted the gospel preached at church and school.”

Farley gets this largely from Ephesians 5.  Sadly, it seems so novel in evangelical circles.  This points to how little we pay attention to the Scriptures.  M’ Cheyne once commented that the church’s greatest need was for his holiness as their pastor.  Similarly, your children’s greatest need is for your personal holiness to adorn the truth of the gospel.  Your marriage will preach a message that will either attract or repel your children.

“Proud parents are ill equipped to help their children escape the clutches of pride.”

In my margin I wrote that you could replace pride with any other sin.  We cannot teach our kids to escape the clutches of any sin that has us in its clutches.  Our only hope to escape the clutches of any sin is the gospel.  If we are not applying the gospel to our sin, how can they learn to apply it to their sin.  All we could offer them is moralism.

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Considering Gospel-Powered Parenting, Part 1

In the Introduction, the author notes that 75,000 books on parenting have been written in the last decade.  We are apparently obsessed with parenting, and we apparently haven’t discovered how to parent well.

In Gospel-Powered Parenting, William Farley brings something different to the table.  He isn’t focused on technique, he’s focused on the hearts of the parents and their goals.

“The common denominator between success and failure seems to be the spiritual depth and sincerity of the parents, especially the spiritual depth and sincerity of the father.”

This is interesting in light of an Atlantic  Monthly article a young lady on the plane was reading recently, “Are Fathers Necessary?”  Every study (which the article thinks erroneous, without real data) I’ve read indicates they are (check out Life Without Father by David Popenoe.  This is why the wise church focuses on dads and tries to involve men in ministry to children (time to man up, guys: you are important to the kingdom!).

Success here is essentially defined as children who own the faith of their parents are are involved church members after leaving the home.  How they were educated is far less important than their witnessing “experiential religion”, as the Puritans would say, in the home.  And especially by dad (hmm, maybe those passages in the Bible aren’t shaped by ‘patriarchism’ but reflect how God often works in light of the covenant).

Initially, his claim that the Job 1 responsibility of Christian parents is to see their kids come to faith (he is a Calvinist, so he recognizes parents as a means, not the cause, of their faith).  It seems like all that matters is that if we get our kids to say the prayer, we’re done.  That would be reductionistic, and that is not what he means.  If we are powered by the gospel, and they believe it, many of those issues will be addressed but not in an idolatrous fashion.  Our children will learn how to manage money, persevere in difficulty, delay gratification, do their best in school (depending on their own intellectual capacity) and be good citizens and workers.  The gospel will produce the character necessary for those things if we recognize it isn’t just “fire insurance”

He begins with the assumptions each parent has in that process.  They are often unseen, but drive our parenting.  He lays out his assumptions.

1. Parenting is not easy.  We are sinners, and so are they.  There will be plenty of failure to go around.
2. God is sovereign, but He uses means.  We are not to be passive, but active, in light of His commands.  But we are also to be trusting in light of His promises and providence.
3. A good offense (is better than a good defense).  Often we try to protect our kids, fearing the world will corrupt them.  As a result, we often raise legalists or rebels.  We recognize the battleground is their hearts and make the gospel the main issue to shape their hearts.  Love for Christ is the only real way to avoid the corruption of the world.
4. Understand the New Birth.  Our kids don’t need the Moralistic Therapeutic Deism of our day.  They need to be born again- given spiritual life.  This is borne out by its fruit, not merely a decision.
5. God-centered Families.  Most people have child-centered families, and sports or performing arts often crowd out manifestations of lively faith.  The kids learn they are more important than God, and worship is essentially optional.

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Considering the Creation Mandate and Parenting

I started working on a “Father’s Day” message for a special event this coming Saturday.  So I dug out How Children Raise Parents by Dan Allender.  To my surprise I had not finished the book when I used it for a sermon on Ephesians 6 back in 2005.  I had some reading to do.

I found a few things.  First, he had a chapter on marriage that I wish I had read before my sermons on Genesis 2-3.  Oh, well.  Even better, he connected parenting with the creation mandate to subdue, rule and fill the earth.  One of those lightbulbs went on for me.  I feel really stupid actually.

In Genesis 1-2 we discover that we’ve been given a mandate to subdue, rule and fill the earth.  God modeled this for us in Genesis 1.  From him we learn what our activity is to be like.  Raising children is how we fill the earth in order to subdue and rule it.  Marriage, as a result, is not some romantic day dream but part of this creation mandate (a little romance makes it sweeter, though).

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Considering Instruments Again

For Biblical Lay Ministry

One (all?) of the community groups here at Desert Springs is going through Paul Tripp’s Instruments in the Redeemer’s Hands: People in Need of Change Helping People in Need of Change.  I guess that is one of the reasons I see this congregation as a great fit for me.  I’d have recommended this material, and they are already studying it.

It is a book I read during my transition period.  I posted some thoughts on it.  I decided to bring it home with me last night to review.  Yes, most of my books are now out of boxes.  When you go back to something you can often wonder why you liked it in the first place.  But this is one of those times you are reminded just how thoughtful and profound a book is.  Paul Tripp is one of those guys more Christians need to read.  That he has been a serious student of Scripture for a long time is evident as you read his books.  In the opening chapters I (re)discovered material suitable for my sermon Sunday and my upcoming series on Genesis.  You can read the first chapter here.

Here are some thoughts from the first few chapters, and the preface.

“For most of us, church is merely an event we attend or an organization we belong to.  We do not see it as a calling that shapes our entire lives.”

This is a great summary of what good pastors want to tell their people, often.  We are shaped by the ministry of the Word, both public and private or personal.  It is not enough to show up- but to engage with the Word by believing it and acting upon it.  One of the things I appreciate the most about this book is its call to do just that.  He has a very Word-centered view of ministry, for it is there that we meet with the Living Word- Jesus Himself.

“The King came not to make our agenda possible, but to draw us into something more amazing, glorious, and wonderful than we could ever imagine. “

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Considering New Books

There are some new books out that have piqued my interest, and are now on my wish list.

• Christ-Centered Worship by Bryan Chapell.  Too often books about worship miss the point, and the point is Christ and the gospel.  Our worship, like our sermons, should center on Christ and the gospel.
• Baptism: Three Views.  Edited by the late David Wright, it has Bruce Ware presenting the case of credo baptism, Sinclair Ferguson presenting the case for infant baptism and Anthony Lane presenting the case for Dual-Practice Baptism.  They interact with one another’s positions as well.  I can’t place Anthony Lane, but Ware and Ferguson are top notch theologians.  I’m interested in learning more of Lane’s view.
• When Helping Hurts: How to Alleviate Poverty without Hurting the Poor… and Yourself by Steve Corbett and Brian Fikkert.  They seek to establish a holistic, effective ministry to the poor.  They help in assessment of what type of ministry is needed: relief, rehabilitation or development.  Looks like a very important read.
• A Praying Life: Connecting with God in a Distracting World by Paul Miller.  I deal with all manner of distractions, and want to be more consistent and less self-absorbed in prayer.  I’ve heard great things about this book, and the study upon which it is based.
• Feelings and Faith: Cultivating Godly Emotions in the Christian Life by Brian Borgman. This looks interesting.

And looking ahead…

• Filling Up the Afflictions of Christ: The Cost of Bringing the Gospel to the Nations in the Lives of William Tyndale, Adoniram Judson, and John Paton by John Piper.  This is the latest edition in the Swans are Not Silent series.  I really love this series of books and recommend them highly.
• Dual Citizens: Worship and Life between the Already and the Not Yet by Jason Stellman. Looks very interesting to say the least.
• Gospel Powered Parenting: How the Gospel Shapes and Transforms Parenting by William Farley. It is too easy to lapse into moralism and legalism as a parent.  So, I’m looking forward to this one.
• Counterfeit Gods: The Empty Promises of Money, Sex and Power and the Only Hope that Matters by Tim Keller.  Keller, need I say more?  Nope!

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Considering Instructing a Child’s Heart

I was not raised in a family that understood the gospel and raised children with a God-ward orientation or focused on our hearts.  As I seek to raise the 2 little lives (with more to come?) He has placed in my care, I recognize I need help.  I found Shepherding a Child’s Heart to be helpful.  So when Ted & Margy Tripp released Instructing a Child’s Heart, I believed it would be helpful for me.

I was not wrong.  Unlike the previous book, which focused on corrective discipline, this book focused on formative instruction-

“Formative instruction gives children principles and absolutes by which to live- hooks to hang life on.”

They address 5 goals for formative instruction, and the call to formative instruction from Deuteronomy 6, communicating formative instruction, and topics including authority, sowing & reaping, a vision for God’s glory, the importance of the church and ultimately the centrality of the gospel.  The book is humbling, as I reckon with how often I fail as a parent (therefore the gospel is for me too!).

This is a very good book, but not a perfect book.  There are statements they make that I would disagree with, as in Shepherding a Child’s Heart.  One of those was in the chapter on authority.  There is much in that chapter that is good, true and right.  But not this:

There is a popular method of child management that powerfully illustrates my point.  “Honey, you can wear the red shirt, the green shirt, or the blue shirt.  It’s up to you.”

It does not occur to a three-year-old that there are more than three shirts in the closet.  He makes his choice.  Mother is indifferent to which shirt the child chooses.  All are equally appropriate.  On the surface it seems like a win, win.  The child feels like he is a decision-maker, mother gets him to wear something appropriate, and there is no fight.  What could be better than that?

While all that sounds very good and quite enlightened, in reality the subtext for the child is, “You are the decision-maker here.  You have the right to choose.  I may suggest the various alternatives, but it is your right to choose.”

As made in God’s image, our children need to learn to choose wisely.  There is no magical age at which this happens.  We are to teach them how to make decisions while under authority.  The parent here sets the proper boundaries, and provides some freedom.  My 3-year-old knows she has more than 3 shirts in her closet.  My child is not my slave, though she is my responsibility.  I must teach her about living under authority- but an authority that loves and nurtures her (and him), not one that will squelch.  Refusing to teach them to make decisions within boundaries, in my opinion, gives them an unhealthy view of authority.  Obviously the Tripps disagree with me.

You don’t have to agree with every jot and tittle to find a book helpful.  I still found it very helpful, and CavWife plans on reading it too.  Some of what was helpful was the discussions about how we tend to reinforce our children’s idols, as well as the culture’s and our own as parents.  Part of good, godly parenting is to turn from our own idols, helping them to see their own idols and to lay hold of Christ instead.  The gospel is not a parenting add-on, but at the very core of parenting.

Paul found joy in the gospel and never moved beyond the gospel because he knew the gospel was the power of God for salvation- including everything fron initial calling by grace, to justification, to ultimate glorification.  We never move beyond the centrality of the gospel.

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Considering Spiritual Delight and Danger

Ran across this in my reading this morning.  Great stuff!

“Ecstasy and delight are essential to the believer’s soul and they promote satisfaction.  We are not meant to live without spiritual exhilaration, and the Christian who goes a long time without the experience of heart warming will soon find himself to be tempted to have his emotions satisfied from earthly things and not, as he ought, from the Spirit of God.  The soul is so constituted that is craves fulfillment from things outside itself and will embrace earthly joys for satisfaction when it cannot reach spiritual one … The believer is in spiritual danger if he allows himself to go for any length of time without tasting the love of Christ and savoring the felt comforts of the Savior’s presence.  When Christ ceases to fill the heart with satisfaction, our souls will go in silent search of other lovers.”  Maurice Roberts, quoted in Instructing a Child’s Heart, from The Thought of God.

He says the same things as Thomas Chalmers in The Expulsive Power of a Greater Affection, but from a different angle.  Chalmers puts it in terms of sanctification- how we put our sinful desires to death.  Roberts puts it in terms of avoiding spiritual declension and danger.  One for growing in Christ, the other for maintaining spiritual vitality.  If we are not often pursuing our satisfaction, delight, in Christ, we will be in danger of seeking it in earthly things.

Think for a moment of how pervasive it is.  Many church-goers don’t really have a vital relationship with Christ.  It is more pragmatic than dynamic.  So they find themselves drinking from the cesspools of society- wrapped up in the pursuit of wealth, sensuality, power, entertainment etc.

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Considering Instructing My Kids’ Hearts

I’m currently working my way thru Instructing a Child’s Heart by Tedd & Margy Tripp in my free time.

So far it has been a good book to read: clear & convicting.  That’s why I wanted to read it- to become a more godly parent and learn to build what I never had as a child, a heart schooled in God’s ways.

They use Deuteronomy 6 as their foundational point, which is an important thing.  We must experience it if we are to truly pass it on to our kids.  But they bring other Scriptures into the discussion.

Essential to good, godly parenting is the recognition that the problem is not “out there”, but that our kids have sinful hearts that produce inordinate desires.  They are hardwired to respond to the temptations of the world and the devil.  They are hardwired for selfishness and lovelessness. I am to offer them the gospel, pray with and for them, instruct them in those opportune moments- addressing their hearts, not just their behavior.

“Scores of opportunities evaporate without notice as we hurry through our days thinking that devotional time with our children is enough.  Our responses to the circumstances and crises of everyday life make our theology real.”

What we do have to realize is that devotional times are good, but insufficient.  Our kids must also see us live our faith the rest of the day.  I try to do that- and sometimes I don’t and therefore instruct them with lies instead of truth.  They also remind me that during correction is not the time for formative instruction.  It just won’t sink in- they are too mad or sad to hear what you are saying.  Formative instruction occurs in the more regular moments, not the moments of heightened tension.  Sadly, like many people, I can prefer to relax and miss some of those great opportunities.

“Don’t talk to your children about that which you have spoken little with God.”

My wife is a great example of this.  Me?  Not so much.  It was convicting.  I can forget to pray about their stubbornness, self-centeredness, temper etc.  I really should be spending more time praying for the heart work to go along with the hard work of instruction.  It is the same for ministry- we must pray for the people, not just instruct the people.  So I find some crossover as I think about shepherding God’s people as well (just as I did with Shepherding a Child’s Heart).

So far it is great stuff to help you be a more godly parent in the hopes that God will use those means to change your kids’ hearts through the gospel.

I should say that I don’t agree with everything they write in either book. For instance, allowing a young child to choose clothes for the day does not necessarily teach them autonomy. There is a family context that allows children to grow in decision making in safe ways which can begin early. But these areas of disagreement do not undermine the main points they make.

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Considering Two of My Treasures

It’s been a difficult few days ’round here.  But we have two great gifts.

Saturday morning I spent some time with the kids sitting on my lap while I read a series of books to them.  It is one thing no one can take away.  Those great memories of great times with the kids.

Then we went to Spa Zechiel.  Just a friend with a pool, so the kids could float around.  Since I had gotten in the pool with them the night before at another friend’s, it was CavWife’s turn to play with them while I got to float free of responsibility.

Saturday night we took a long walk.  CavBoy is doing much better with the tricycle.  He was getting a big whiny while on our excuse for a hill, but he got to the top.

CavGirl had a difficult time falling to sleep.  Apparently she was sad.  She wanted to go to the park on Sunday.  I promised that if it didn’t rain, we would go after her nap while CavWife went to Wal-Mart.  Sure enough- no rain- and off to the park we went.  They both made progress.  She finally went down the corkscrew slide.  He did too!  All by himself which was amazing.  He also climbed up to the 2nd level by himself instead of using the steps.  He’s getting more daring- which I think this is great.  He’s been too timid to this point.  We went down by the lake and saw some turtle heads popping up through the surface of the lake.

After dinner, the kids went across the street.  Our neighbor’s driveway is at an incline.  They ride the tricycle, fire engine etc. up the driveway and then roll back down.  It was fun sitting there with the last of my beer watching them play like that.

I love those moments without the whining, crying and complaining.  I treasure these kids.

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Considering the Kids’ Progress

I am amazed sometimes at how fast these kids are growing up.  Last night CavGirl had a tough time going to sleep so we were talking in her room.  I told her how I was happy & sad that she was growing up.  Happy because she is supposed to grow up and become more independent.  Sad because she’ll leave home one day.  She didn’t like that- she wanted to stay with mom & dad.

This morning she asked if people died.  I told her that they do, and proceeded to give her an age appropriate gospel message that fit the context.

Here are some the recent milestones for the kids-

CavGirl

• She now is able to keep a swing going, but hasn’t learned how to start herself.
• She is potty trained during the day.  She is no longer holding on to the poop until she’s in a diaper.  Still not ready to ditch the diapers at night.

CavBoy

• He can now peddle the tricycle.  He no longer does the Fred Flinstone imitation.  He needs his shoes on to reach the peddles properly, and is still figuring out the whole steering with the handle bar not his feet thing.
• He now makes noises while playing with cars, trucks and trains.  He needed to be near his cousins to hear them play.
• He was doing better trying to speak, but the last few days he’s been on strike.
• He’s back to sleeping through the night w/out me having to go in 2-3 times to give him water or soothe him.  Yes!  I was starting to feel like the mother of a newborn.

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Considering How to Love My Family

9 Mark Ministries compiled some ways for pastors to better love their wives (we’re talking a plurality of pastors, not polygamy) and kids.  Some of them are very good.  Some make me wonder “how?”  I’ll put my comments, silly and otherwise in brackets and in red.  Since they are compiled, there are some that sound inconsistent, go with it … they are suggestions.

IN RELATION TO YOUR FAMILY…

1. Take the initiative and establish a plan for family worship. Then follow the plan! (Don Whitney encourages “brevity, regularity, and flexibility” in family worship.)
2. Come home at the exact time you say you will be home; and prepare your heart to serve your family, not be served.  [this is very difficult to do regularly, at least for me.  there is that sinful sense of entitlement that plagues me when I return home, I want to rest not parent/husband.  i need grace.]
3. Take responsibility for your children’s education and discipline—don’t leave it to your wife to figure out.
4. Share with your wife and kids some of the good things that are going on in the church, and then thank them for helping to make that possible.
5. Use every hour of your vacation time. And take a vacation that does not involve extended family; restrict it to just your wife and kids.  [All of our vacations have involved extended family.  We can’t afford to go anywhere else- I’m a pastor!]
6. Take a two week vacation.  [this is wise, i’ve heard it takes about 10 days for you to actually begin to relax.  our 3 week summer vacations, though with extended family, were very relaxing.  if you go  to vacationing spots, it is hard to relax since you are going to theme parks and events.]
7. Diligently guard your days off.  [lay leaders love this, not!  it can quickly breed a sense of envy on their part, or assuming you think you’re better than them or special.  you have to work had to communicate this priority well.  but if you’re guarding your days off, they should be able to guard theirs from church business, so maybe they really feel convicted of their lack of attentiveness to their families.  who knows, but it can get messy, folks.]
8. There are times when it seems like you have to choose whether to be a good dad/husband or a good pastor. Good pastors choose to be good dad/husbands.  [What makes this difficult is the success-driven culture of many of our churches.  They want you to be a successful dad, not necessarily a loving & involved dad.  Loving involvement will mean less time to building the empire.  I know building my relationship with my daughter ‘cost’ the church some of my time/energy that might have resulted in a different outcome for the congregation- and my family.]IN RELATION TO YOUR WIFE…
9. Get up early and have your quiet time, so that you can take the kids in the morning while your wife has her quiet time.  [she’s up way before the rest of us, so this is a moot point for me.]
10. Give her flowers and a hand written card when she least expects it.

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Considering Our Weekend

The editor has been acting up, so my whole post got lost.  I’ll try to reconstruct….

I didn’t see much of the family on Saturday.  We enjoyed our normal Saturday breakfast together.  MMMMM… bacon and chocolate chip pancakes.  Then I was off to a premarital counseling session.  It has been awhile since I did a formal counseling session, so I was a bit rusty.  And we ran late, so I left for Orlando later than expected.

I had hoped to grab lunch in Orlando with an old friend before we went to a funeral.  A former roommate’s father had passed away after an incredibly long illness.  This guy had moved back in with his parents to help out.  He faces a rough road after having put much of life on hold for years.  But it was like old home week as I was able to talk to a bunch of old friends from Orangewood PCA.  Most of the time we spent together before I moved to Winter Haven we were all single.  Some of us are married now, so our topics of conversation are decidedly different.

My friend Robert edits a boating magazine.  His wife gave me a copy of a recent magazine.  Every once in a while his family benefits by travelling with him on assignment.  This copy had his family snorkling for scallops while reviewing a boat.  So CavDaughter liked seeing pictures of my friends and their kids.  Unfortunately she now wants me to buy a fancy boat.

As I drove home, quite hungry, I listened to the Red Sox – Yankees game on the radio.  That is until the rain delay started.  I arrived home around 6:30 to wolf down some pizza and spend time with the kids before beginning their bedtime routine.  After putting them to sleep I was able to enjoy watching Papelbon put the finishing touches on the Yankees.  Since Beckett is on my fantasy baseball team, I really wanted him to get the win.

I woke up to discover that my fantasy team was ahead going into the final day but my 13-3 lead was now 9-7.  Not looking good as my power & RBI guys slump, particularly Big Papi.  Soon I was distracted from my misery by my kids’ delight in a sand hill crane.  They are common this time of year, but who can understand the heart of a child.  If the photo editor was working right, you’d see a picture of the crane, and notice his pretty red head.

Off to church where I am still not comfortable sitting and listening.  I’m sure the people in front of my did not enjoy my singing.  Neither CavWife or I were particularly wild about the sermon.  He really didn’t seem to stick to the text.  It was more of a topical sermon on the exaltation of Jesus (a much needed topic, to be sure).  There were some typos in the outline.  “Jesus Christ as me Savior and me Lord”.  The seminary student next to us quipped that it must be the pirate confession.  My cynical side came out as I considered application of the text had been reduced to checking a box on the outline.  Worse, conversion is no longer even walking the aisle but merely checking the box.  I know that is probably not s.o.p. for the pastor, but it just rubbed me the wrong way.

After the kids’ nap time, it was off to Family Study.  I tried to lead the singing on my guitar, but I’m not a worship leader.  It would help if I could actually sing.  You think?  I then taught on 1 Peter 2:11-12.  We focused on the 2 sides of sanctification: mortification and vivefication.  In Peter’s terminology this is abstaining from sinful desires and living such good lives … I mentioned a Thomas Chalmers’ quote via Sinclair Ferguson about the “expulsive power of a greater delight.”  When we delight in Christ most of all, the deceitful desires of the flesh have less of a hold on us.

So here I sit, the kids are asleep and I’m hoping the Sox can take the rubber game against the Yankees, and that Jacoby Ellsbury and Kevin Youkilis can help me hold on to my lead.  The way this game is going, I’ll be in bed by 12:30.  I don’t think I’ll be rested for this very long week.

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