Considering Renovation and Expansion Part 4

A church building project is like a roller coaster. This metaphor fits lots of things (pastoral searches come to mind) but I am reminded of the Hulk coaster at Islands of Adventure in Orlando. The first time I rode it I did not realize the climb to the top of the first hill was not a slow climb but that you were rocketed up the second half of the hill. It didn’t slow down after that.

I’m not sure which coaster this project reminds me of most. There have been plenty of twists and turns, and a few loops too. Since we approved the project as a congregation there have been a few changes we did not expect.

All was going well as we wrapped up a few things before I left on vacation. While our Treasurer dealt with our bank I pursued some alternative methods of financing. The loan officer for a group that loans to churches and ministries that is based in California happened to be in Tucson, just down the street. We had a quick meeting so he could see the dimensions of our project and get us started on the process.

We also had a meeting over lunch (during which I ordered that huge shrimp chimi enchilada style) with the modular company to do the “red line” and then sign. They came up with a lease to own option just in case we had problem with getting a loan. Our Treasurer, rightfully, wanted to make sure we didn’t end up owing money we didn’t have before signing off.

We did expect the Fire Marshal to retire, but not as soon as he did. Suddenly we are dealing with a new fire marshal who may interpret the rules differently. As a result we weren’t sure if the new guy would want the sprinkler risers to be inside the building since they were currently outside. There is a 3 week delay, minimum in the building of the modular right off the bat. Our plans to have it ready to go for the start of the new ministry year which begins early August.

We also learned that the county, based on the size of the modular, needed to have a civil engineer examine the drainage. Big waste of money, most likely, since that part is flat anyway. It is not placed in the path of a drainage path. The money we recouped by not having to bring the sprinkler pipes under the road just got used.

With these delays to the modular, the contractor wants to start on the renovation. The sequence has been changed, and I (we?) were not prepared for that. It is fairly difficult to adjust when you are on vacation. My office will be moved in my absence. Question is, should we start the remodel before we know we have the permitting for the modular. If we don’t get the permitting we wouldn’t have space for Sunday School classes. We are on the horns of a dilemma I tell you.

The renovation started early as the palo verde tree in front of the entrance split and fell to the ground. Termites got to it, and hopefully haven’t wrecked havoc on the building.

It is hard to deal with the feelings of powerlessness. Everything is out of my control. I’m not there to guide and lead. I’m stuck a few thousand miles away. Apparently movers will pack up my office and put it in the annex. I’m not sure what will be available except for what is on my library cart. So I asked for a few books having to do with the book I’m writing to be added to the cart.

There is also disappointment. I learned the bank we use turned us down for a loan because we weren’t large enough. Who cares if you can afford it! It is easy to get frustrated with the sense of injustice due to arbitrary guidelines.

I expect to be in shock when I show up and see all the change that has happened in my absence. It may be like returning home after Hurricane Charley raced through Winter Haven while we were on vacation. Things will be different and we are not sure when it will all be done. We are beginning the Exodus of sorts and an wilderness journey. Our facilities will be under construction around us as we worship each Sunday. We await our arrival into a better land with more seats and more Sunday School room. Hopefully it will not prove too great a challenge as we face unexpected obstacles. Pray for us.

 

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Considering the Waiting- Part 3

We didn’t realize how much of a miracle CavGirl was until we started trying to have another child. We had talked about adoption before we got married. When you have a thyroid disease, it only makes sense to cover all your bases. We had both thought about adoption before we met. I was now 40. We didn’t want too much time to pass before having another child, one way or another.

So we began the adoption process while trying to conceive again. We didn’t know how to choose an agency. We wanted one that shared our values. CavWife’s vacationing parents watched CavGirl as we went to an informational meeting at a popular agency’s Orlando office. There was only one other couple there. Amazingly I knew the woman. But we walked away unimpressed. I wasn’t sure what we were looking for, but I knew we hadn’t found it. This would become a theme in our process.

Nearly 4 months later we saw a poster that an adoption agency we had never heard of was having a seminar, nearby. I went alone. They didn’t begin with a presentation about babies, but a theological explanation of adoption as God’s plan A for some people. They understood where I was coming from, and spoke my language. We had found an agency. It was late spring of 2006.

We also had a country. We were leaning toward China after ruling out Korea. A couple had made a presentation about their experiences with Russia. Adopting from there at the time required you to be flexible and prepared for the unexpected. I was told that if you like a nice, orderly relatively predictable process you should go with China.

Soon they had another meeting at a local church. This was THE church in town at the time. We’d had a few people leave us to attend there. It had become the bane of my existence. I began to call it The Bane. But at that meeting one of the couple’s leading the meeting had adopted from China and lived locally. They would prove to be a big help in answering many questions that arose while we were in unfamiliar territory.

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Considering Hope

“Keep hope alive.”  Martin Luther King, Jr. knew that hope was a fragile thing.  And there is nothing Evil wants to do as much as kill hope that we might be overcome with despair.

Hope is one of those words that is easily misunderstood.  Often we think of it as a wish.  I hope the Red Sox win tonight.  But for the Christian, hope is far more profound that that.  As one whose hope is under siege, I needed to read The Dream of Hope in The Healing Path by Dan Allender.

“Hope is the quiet, sometimes incessant call to dream for the future.  The present moment is not enough to satisfy our souls completely; no matter how good or bad, the now leaves us hungering for more.  … Biblical hope is substantial faith regarding the future.”

Hope is not vague, but substantial.  It has weight to it, specifics.  And this is why hope can be so maddening.  It seems so far off at times, as if those desires are impossible to fulfill.

“Only the lenses of faith can put suffering into perspective.  When faith enables us to remember how God has redeemed portions of our past, our anticipation of when and how he will redeem us in the future increases.  … Gabriel Marcel defined hope as “a memory of the future.”

Hope looks past present suffering, aided by past deliverance.  Hope is sure God will come through, at some point, and deliver because he has a track record of delivering his people.  He has a track record of delivering me, so as I suffer I look ahead to when he eventually will reach down and lift me up.

We keep hope alive, in part, by reciting how God has delivered his people and us over time.  We remember, dragging those memories from the forgotten parts of our minds.  We rehearse God’s past faithfulness so we will lean on his future faithfulness rather than despair and give up.

“Hope focuses not on our circumstances, but on Christ’s coming and the redemption of our character.  .. My heart will never become any bigger than that in which or in whom I hope.  … Hope is a muscle that must be nourished and exercised daily to grow throug the normal nutrients of knowing and doing God’s will.  I wish hope progressed naturally and easily just as our body develops from infancy to adulthood.  Instead, hope grows through encounters that require us to risk, struggle, surrender and wait.”

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Considering Powerlessness and Hope

Dan Allender’s The Healing Path is just what the doctor ordered for me.  I am finding my own current struggles being played out in its pages.  After a huge disappointment you often can’t put words or labels on things.  So this has been helpful for me to understand all that is churning in my heart and my head.

Looking for a new job is an exercise in powerlessness.  You can make yourself available and try to make contacts.  This fulfills our responsibility.  But you can’t make anyone respond to you.  Here is the powerlessness and loss of hope.  I felt so much of that last week.

I decided to use my sermon on Genesis 17:1-8, which addresses Abram’s powerlessness and God’s almighty power this past Sunday.  I needed to hear it, and I think this smallish, older church needed to remember who He is too.  [sadly, it was not recorded.  I made what I think were improvements to the sermon.  Can’t control that either.]

“God’s desire is to use our powerlessness to send us fleeing back to him.  Evil wants it to send us reeling to rely on ourselves with even greater intensity.  We unwittingly follow evil’s plan when we attempt to escape our powerlessness through martyrdom, rebellion, or disengagement.”

I have a better idea of how I tend to escape this sense of powerlessness.  I’m crying out for God to rescue me and my family.  I’m remembering that He is ultimately in control, and that He loves me.

This weekend someone approached me about a job.  Could this be that last second deliverance that God specializes in?  I don’t know.  I really like what I’ve seen thus far.  Perhaps this is the place He has been preparing me for.  There is hope- and, boy am I conflicted about that.  And in the chapter I was reading Saturday night Dan addressed his own conflict with hope during their move to Seattle.  Would he dare to hope after a big disappointment?  Would he be let down again? 

But I’m finding that I can’t help but hope.  It is a sign that I am spiritually alive and have tasted the goodness of the Lord.  I am powerless regarding the outcome of this prospect.  I am responsible to respond and participate in the process.  And to pray.

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On Betrayal

(circa 2000, interacting with a section from the book I mention)

If you are in relationship with people, whether at home, church or work, it is impossible to avoid betrayal.

“Essentially, betrayal is the breaking of an implied or stated commitment of care” (Dan Allender, The Healing Path).

This means that betrayal involves a broken commitment to guard your well-being.  It can come from a friend who shares your darkest secret.  Or a co-worker who steals your work.  Betrayal opens the door for us to grow in faith, if we do not avoid all it brings with it.

Betrayal comes on different levels.  The damage caused by a break of confidence is less than that caused by a parent who abuses their child emotionally or sexually.  But the relationship intended to bring blessing has now brought harm.

The betrayal does not remain a private affair, but soon spreads to the community.  There is no way to keep a fight between two people isolated– others inevitably become involved.  This could be as simple as hearing one’s complaint, or as complicated as taking up one’s cause against the other to repay the damage.

Betrayal forces us to make choices.  We can deny the damage done to us.  Many choose this path.  Others recognize the damage, and use it as an excuse to justify their sins against the perpetrator.  The best option is to recognize the damage, and then marvel at the faithfulness of God in contrast to our instability.

What damage is done?  First, our sense of identity is taken apart.  As relational creatures, our identity is composed of our various relationships.  When one is broken, it casts a shadow of doubt upon the rest of them.  Will they betray me too?  This doubt eats away our relationships because the life we thought existed, doesn’t.

Our initial response is to blame ourselves.  We should have seen it coming.  Or perhaps we failed first, prompting this person’s sin.  We enter a period of self contempt or blame.  I was there when (an ex-)girlfriend left.  “Am I so stupid that I couldn’t see this coming?  The signs were all there, why did I give her my heart?”

For better or worse, we do not stop there.  We soon move to believing that someone must pay.  We desire revenge for the wrongs done to us.  I always think of Kenny, the stuttering thief from A Fish Called Wanda, clearly crying “REVENGE!” as he drives a steamroller over his tormentor Otto.

Since our hearts are deceptive, we do not always direct our rage at the one who hurt us in the first place.  It could be easy for me to make my next girlfriend pay for the wrongs of past girlfriends.  Severely abused people often don’t recognize how they harm those around them, or themselves.  This is particularly true with sexual abuse.  The victims often become perpetrators themselves, or destroy themselves through eating disorders or promiscuity.  The initial betrayal is not an excuse of later sinful choices, but we begin to understand why.  Then we address the broken parts of a person to bring restoration as well as repentance.

Then, at last, comes numbness.  We no longer care.  This is where most of us end up.  Life, so to speak, goes on hold.  We stop caring about just about everything.  “Yeah, sure.  Whatever you want.”  The pain overwhelms us, and we go on autopilot.  We stop living, but not functioning.

It is here that we lose faith.  God no longer seems faithful and true.  We forget the abundance of times He has been good to us.  Our legitimate desires go unmet, and our faith shrinks.  We enter into autopilot with God as well.  We don’t stray outwardly, but our hearts are numb towards him.  We become legalistic and distant.  “God failed me.  It doesn’t pay to pursue him.”  We become stuck; powerless and ambivalent.

This is the place where God invites us to see our idolatry.  We expect others to be what only God can be for us.  No one, and nothing, has the ability to perfectly meet our needs (much less our desires).  When forgiveness can’t be extended, I must recognize I have not given them the freedom to fail.  I expect them to be perfect– and only God is perfect.  I have also made God into something He is not.  He does not exist to meet my every desire.  He’s no genie in the bottle to grant my wishes.  I worship a false god, which is also idolatry.  In my idolatry, I make myself an enemy of God (James 4:1-4).

I never ceased to be amazed at how God orchestrates circumstances to reveal myself to me.  It happened on the way back from GA.  A “quick” stop for gas turned into a nightmare.  I was angry and petty.  The next day I could see just how demanding I was.  I saw my need to having things go the way I want them to go.  In short, I was humbled by a glimpse of my utter sinfulness.  This was my invitation to repent of my idolatry.  Part of me hates that I am powerless to “keep” a girlfriend (whatever that means), prevent an elder from resigning, etc.  My longing to be god is exposed.

This is good!  For God gives grace to the humble, but opposes the proud (James 4:6; 1 Peter 5:5, 6).  This humbling brings me to the throne of grace, where I can find mercy, strength and grace from a faithful God.  One faithful enough to wound me and then heal me.  I walk what Allender calls the “healing path”, the road of sanctification.

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