Considering Gospel-Powered Parenting, Part 1

In the Introduction, the author notes that 75,000 books on parenting have been written in the last decade.  We are apparently obsessed with parenting, and we apparently haven’t discovered how to parent well.

In Gospel-Powered Parenting, William Farley brings something different to the table.  He isn’t focused on technique, he’s focused on the hearts of the parents and their goals.

“The common denominator between success and failure seems to be the spiritual depth and sincerity of the parents, especially the spiritual depth and sincerity of the father.”

This is interesting in light of an Atlantic  Monthly article a young lady on the plane was reading recently, “Are Fathers Necessary?”  Every study (which the article thinks erroneous, without real data) I’ve read indicates they are (check out Life Without Father by David Popenoe.  This is why the wise church focuses on dads and tries to involve men in ministry to children (time to man up, guys: you are important to the kingdom!).

Success here is essentially defined as children who own the faith of their parents are are involved church members after leaving the home.  How they were educated is far less important than their witnessing “experiential religion”, as the Puritans would say, in the home.  And especially by dad (hmm, maybe those passages in the Bible aren’t shaped by ‘patriarchism’ but reflect how God often works in light of the covenant).

Initially, his claim that the Job 1 responsibility of Christian parents is to see their kids come to faith (he is a Calvinist, so he recognizes parents as a means, not the cause, of their faith).  It seems like all that matters is that if we get our kids to say the prayer, we’re done.  That would be reductionistic, and that is not what he means.  If we are powered by the gospel, and they believe it, many of those issues will be addressed but not in an idolatrous fashion.  Our children will learn how to manage money, persevere in difficulty, delay gratification, do their best in school (depending on their own intellectual capacity) and be good citizens and workers.  The gospel will produce the character necessary for those things if we recognize it isn’t just “fire insurance”

He begins with the assumptions each parent has in that process.  They are often unseen, but drive our parenting.  He lays out his assumptions.

1. Parenting is not easy.  We are sinners, and so are they.  There will be plenty of failure to go around.
2. God is sovereign, but He uses means.  We are not to be passive, but active, in light of His commands.  But we are also to be trusting in light of His promises and providence.
3. A good offense (is better than a good defense).  Often we try to protect our kids, fearing the world will corrupt them.  As a result, we often raise legalists or rebels.  We recognize the battleground is their hearts and make the gospel the main issue to shape their hearts.  Love for Christ is the only real way to avoid the corruption of the world.
4. Understand the New Birth.  Our kids don’t need the Moralistic Therapeutic Deism of our day.  They need to be born again- given spiritual life.  This is borne out by its fruit, not merely a decision.
5. God-centered Families.  Most people have child-centered families, and sports or performing arts often crowd out manifestations of lively faith.  The kids learn they are more important than God, and worship is essentially optional.

He then moves on to the ways in which the gospel affects parents:

1. It teaches parents to fear God- the fear of a son, not a slave.  We learn we are loved more than we can imagine, but that we can’t get our way.  This is another way of looking at the issues Dan Allender brings up in How Children Raise Parents.
2. It motivates parents to lead by example.  Parents need the gospel too!  We model how to live by the gospel.
3. It centers families in their male servant leaders.
4. It teaches and motivates parents to discipline their children.  Discipline and grace are not antithetical (see Hebrews 12).  Our kids have to learn to say no to sin by the grace of God, just like we do.
5. It motivates parents to teach their children.  We teach them sound doctrine in accordance with the gospel that they might live sound lives (1 Timothy 1).
6. It motivates parents to lavish their children with love and affection.  Dads, particularly, learn to love their wives and kids as Jesus loved the church (Ephesians 5-6).

Farley devotes a chapter to understanding the fear of God.  This topic is generally missing from our preaching.  It is present in the Scriptures (both Old and New Testament), and is an important thing.  Do you want wisdom?  The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom (Proverbs).  It is an aspect of saving faith!

He continues to develop an understanding of the gospel in chapters on the holiness of God and the graciousness of God revealed in adoption.  He does well in these chapters, for the most part.  I took issue with a few minor aspects of his teaching on Jesus’ work as mediator.  His death is sufficient for all who believe, not because he’s God but because he’s the Covenant Head (Romans 5).  Adam’s nature was not infinite, yet as Covenant Head his guilt spread to all humanity.  The divinity of Jesus is necessary in order for him to be perfect, untainted by sin.  Hence the necessity of the virgin birth.  He cannot be represented by Adam.  So, God does not suffer.  This is why Paul stresses the one mediator between God and man, the man Jesus Christ.  While we do not separate the 2 natures, we do not confuse them either.  We distinguish them.  God cannot die!  But the man did.

But this is a book on parenting… I’m glad he went to such great lengths to explain grace lest we misunderstand it.  That is the weakness of Tim Kimmel’s Grace-Based Parenting.  I recall no real definition of grace, and it sounds more like leniency.  Here Farley helps parents to grapple with their own need for grace.

Part of why the gospel is so important for parenting is that in the gospel, God becomes our Father.  All who are justified are also adopted as God’s children (Ephesians 1).  He begins to parent us through the gospel.  This, therefore, is how we are to parent our children.  He does it perfectly (all failures are on our side), but we do not.  Yet there is sufficient pardoning grace available.

The first 5 chapters are very good, and cover some important ground.  In the rest of the book he will cover more of the nuts and bolts within the context of the gospel.