For the most part, women just aren’t into pornography (I think this is a great thing). In recent years the use of pornography among women has increased, sadly. But I haven’t seen evidence that it has quite the same addictive quality for women as for men.
For years, I’ve considered the romance novel the equivalent of pornography for women. Some women collect them like some men can collect magazines and DVDs. I’ve noticed a similar effect taking place. Men end up having unrealistic expectations for their wives’ appearance. They inevitably compare them to the women they viewed in magazines, movies or on-line. In a similar fashion, women begin to compare their men to the men in the books. They have expectations of behavior- romance- rather than how well put together he is.
You mention this, and people think you’re a little strange. It is just a book (which, oddly, is similar to what men who enjoy pornography say). But thanks to some researchers at Boston University (Go, Terriers!), perhaps I’m not as strange as you thought I was. Ogi Ogas and Sai Gaddam (I have no idea how to pronounce their names) put their findings in A Billion Wicked Thoughts.
Like pornography, romance stories (they can be movies!) typically follow a pattern. The rough-edged alpha male finally succumbs to the wiles of the heroine, becoming slightly domesticated. He often rescues her, but they live happily ever after. Like pornography, there is no sequel. There is no loving through the thick and thin. There is just the idealized moment, in one case sexual and the other romantic. Both stop well short of real relationship with a real person with weaknesses, character flaws, signs of aging and gas.
Don’t get me wrong- I’m not saying the romance novels is as morally repugnant as porn. But they operate in a similar fashion, and are just as addictive and just as dangerous to a marriage.
Whether it is pornography or romance, such idealization eats at the fabric of the relationship in many ways. They function the same way. It isn’t just the unrealistic expectations that can (inevitably?) arise. They offer a refuge from marital stress. Instead of turning to Christ, we can turn to these idols to escape. Sometimes they create problems, and sometimes they exacerbate existing problems.
As I noted above, the sin is not as clear with romance novels or movies as it is with pornography. We can clearly admonish and correct those who use pornography since that is an example of porneia (from which it gets its name). But questions can be asked about frequency and motive. They can be asked about consequences. Knowing the deceitfulness of both the human heart and sin, those are not conversations with yourself, but with a wise and godly friend. Examining one’s heart on this matter is not a waste of time, but might result in some changes in how one relates to one’s spouse (actual or potential).
Cavman Considers 
There have always been a thin line between love and lust. Which also prompts me to question if anyone still knows what the meaning of love is anymore since we use it so loosely. Woman “love” romance novels and Men “love” to lust at women. What ever happen to God is Love? Instead what we love becomes our god.
is the book from a christian perspective? perhaps not.
i feel the same way about womens mags like cosmo.
i had to stop my subscription early into my christian journey.
I also noticed one husband loving romantic comedies, knowing his marriage isn’t on par with the movies, i find he ‘idolizes’ the settings of the movies with the fairy tale happy ending.
[not as bad as porn, but like the romance novels, it sets people up for unrealistic expectations about life and marriage.
Good review, should i get the book?
I don’t think they are Christians. I didn’t read the book, just saw the summary of their findings. I may pick it up at some point however.
Kris,
Many of those magazines for women create as many unrealistic expectations for marital sex as the Penthouse letters to the editor. It is easy for us to see how detrimental reading Penthouse would be, but women’s magazines often seem so innocuous with the exception of those that (inexplicably) have half-naked celebrities on them which distorts many people’s view of body image.
As you noted on FB recently, and I had to memorize as a younger man- “Beauty is fleeting and charm is deceitful, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.”
If Proverbs was originally to instruct young women, it would be “Good looks are fleeting (especially the hairline) and charm is deceitful, but a man who fears the Lord is to be respected.”
AMEN!